Discharged!

When the doctors left yesterday afternoon, we were told that if Xander did well overnight with his oxygen saturation, we'd be discharged first thing in the morning. It had been emphasized to me the importance of a visit to his pediatrician as soon after his discharge as possible. Anticipating that we'd be going home on Monday, as originally planned, I had scheduled this visit on Tuesday morning, as I already had Joel's 18 month checkup scheduled that day. So I told the doctor about the appointment, and asked if we'd be able to make it. He said to go ahead and keep the appointment, and as long as Xander did well through the night, they'd get us out in time to make it.

James joined me at the hospital after putting Joel to bed at home. We were a little anxious for a little while, as Xander's oxygen kept satting around 88%, when the doctors wanted him in the 90s. We kept talking to him while he slept, and continued praying that he would breathe well. By the time we went to bed, he was hovering in the low 90's. The only time during the night that he dropped was when I changed his diaper. Something about screaming his little guts out seemed to interfere with his breathing for a few minutes...

One of the doctors on our team visited us early this morning, before we'd gotten up for the day. He confirmed that Xander had done great overnight, and pending a final check by the attending physician, we'd be discharged around 8:30 or 9am. James had to leave for school before that time. I had already asked my mother to pick us up in the morning, so that she and I could take the boys to the pediatrician.

I packed up all our stuff (amazing how much we'd accumulated in our week stay!) and pumped one last time. Incidentally, once we were officially discharged, the nurse brought to me all the breastmilk I had pumped during the week, and I was stunned by how much there was! I now have an awesome stash.

The doctors wanted Xander to get his hearing test before the official discharge, so I had to wait for that. The nurse finally brought him back to me around 8:45, and then we sat...waiting...anxiously watching the clock...praying that nothing would end up keeping us there...

The team came in at 9:10am. The attending physician briefly examined Xander and pronounced him ready to be discharged. I got the "new mom" instructions, and things to watch for. Then they left to give his official discharge orders. The nurse came back in, removed Xander's IV and security anklet, and then we were free. I quickly dressed him, buckled him into his carseat, and we were out of there!

It has been the absolute best--snuggling my baby at home, with my little family all around. It is such a relief to be done with our hospital stay. We're still praying for Xander's good health. I feel such an incredible gratitude for my sweet baby, my husband, my mother, and for all the friends and family who have sent thoughts and prayers our way. <3

A Treatise on Faith

Today I have been thinking about faith.

It started this morning at church. During my Relief Society meeting, we discussed Elder L. Tom Perry's talk, "Obedience through Our Faithfulness" from the April session of general conference. There are many great parts to Elder Perry's message. But I was especially struck by his thoughts on faith. He reminded us of Abraham, who was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his young son Isaac, for whom he and his wife Sarah had waited and so earnestly desired. Then Elder Perry said,

I still do not believe I fully comprehend Abraham’s faithfulness and obedience. Perhaps I can imagine him faithfully packing up to leave early one morning, but how did he take all those steps alongside his son Isaac over the three-day journey to the base of Mount Moriah? How did they carry the wood for the fire up the mountain? How did he build the altar? How did he bind Isaac and lay him on the altar? How did he explain to him that he would be the sacrifice? And how did he have the strength to lift the knife to slay his son? Abraham’s faith empowered him to follow God’s lead with exactness up until the miraculous moment when an angel called out from heaven, announcing to Abraham that he had passed his agonizing test. And then the angel of the Lord repeated the promise of the Abrahamic covenant.

I recognize that the challenges associated with having faith in Jesus Christ and obedience will be more difficult for some than others... Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we have a unique premortal and mortal story. Accordingly, there are very few one-size-fits-all solutions. And so I fully recognize the trial-and-error nature of life and, most importantly, the constant need of [faith].

I have contemplated the story of Abraham, Sarah and Isaac before, but it hit me in a particularly poignant way this afternoon. First, I was struck by the thought of Sarah. Hebrews 11:11 says, "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."

The example of Sarah is most inspiring: her faith in the promise which she and her husband had received--her faith in the Lord who had given the promise--was surely tested in the many years that passed before she bore Isaac. I have not had to struggle with infertility, but I still identify with Sarah's longing for a child. I married at the age of 26; while the modern world would judge this as younger than average, in the Utah-Mormon culture, it is quite a bit older than the "norm." By the time James and I started dating, all of my close friends were already married, and most of them had a child (or three). It was hard, during those years, to not be married, when that was what I felt was expected of me, and more importantly, when that was what I so desperately wanted! I wanted to be married; I wanted children of my own. That said, I believe that having my little Joel brought me even more joy because of the time I spent in longing.

Which brings me to Abraham. Having Joel gives me a whole new perspective on what has always been an overwhelming idea. I cannot imagine being asked to sacrifice my own son. I cannot fathom the faith that it took for Abraham to obey the Lord's command. His trust in the Lord must have been absolute.

In comparison, I find myself so weak. I struggle with the little things that God has asked of me: reading my scriptures (let alone feasting upon them), daily prayers, service to my fellow men. If these simple things are a challenge, how could I hope to obey if the Lord commanded something greater of me?

During Relief Society, our teacher broke us into groups for discussion. My group was given the quote shown above, and then were asked to discuss times in our lives when we have had to exercise faith. My group began to discuss; one of the sisters immediately shared a personal story which indeed illustrated great faith on her part.

I struggled, in that moment, with what to say. There certainly have been moments in my life when I have had to exercise faith. But they felt so paltry just then. My past examples felt so weak! So irrelevant to my life right now. And that's when I received an impression: I am exercising faith right now.

My faith helps me to go to church each week, when it is often so hard for me.
I am faithful when I say little prayers in my mind on behalf of my son.
I exercise faith as I prepare for the future with my husband, facing so much uncertainty.

It was a moment of clarity for me. As I have pondered throughout the day, I have come to realize that faith isn't a matter of size. "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). The Apostle Paul also called faith "the substance of things hoped for" (Hebrews 11:1).

I love the use of the word "hope." I hope that God knows me, and loves me. I hope that I can find a solution to Joel being underweight, and that he will grow and be healthy. I hope that James will be get scholarships for law school, and that we'll find a good home, and that I won't be wretchedly lonely, and that we'll all be safe and happy wherever it is that we end up.

But there is a little more to it. Because, after all, "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also" (James 2:26). It is this quote from Elder Perry that has stuck with me all day:

Strong, proactive obedience is anything but weak or passive. It is the means by which we declare our faith in God and qualify ourselves to receive the powers of heaven. Obedience is a choice.

My great realization of the day is this: the weakness that I felt earlier when I considered my faith was in fact a sense of my own passiveness. My faith is not weak. But I need to strengthen my works. I need to be more proactive in my obedience to God's will. Through doing so, I can receive the blessings of eternal life, promised by Elder Perry and so many other prophets throughout time. And what a wonderful promise it is!

If you made it this far, I congratulate you, and I thank you for reading. May God bless you and may His spirit be with you always.

Love,
Valerie

Tournaments, Seminars, and Vehicular Adventures

Well, it was an adventurous weekend.

Saturday morning we went up to West Jordan for the Friendship Open, where I competed with our demonstration team. James is still out because of his internship (which finishes this week...wow, time flies!) but I was grateful for his morale support! This was our first performance following the latest round of auditions, and it was definitely trial-by-fire for the newbies. Sans a few mishaps, the demo went well, although I was feeling VERY pregnant! James is planning to start back up in April. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back to the team relatively quickly after Baby J is born. We'll see how it goes!

 

We left the tournament immediately following the demo team competition, and made our preparations. Saturday afternoon we drove to Colorado so that I could attend a USAT referee seminar there. We arrived in CO around 12:30 and settled in for the night. We had decided to try sleeping out in our car, and it turned out way better than we expected. We had taken the seats out of my car, and piled the back with couch cushions, camping pads, sleeping bags, pillows and blankets. We were very comfortable (which was a concern, considering my prego state).

The referee seminar was great. I attended the CO seminar last year, and enjoyed the experience, so I was glad it worked out for me to go again this year. The seminar was taught by Master Bob McKenna and Master Linda Kimmich, both of whom I had met previously at Nationals, and whom I respect a great deal. I was glad to get updated information, and spend time with some great referees.

We left for home after the seminar. It's an 8-hour trip, and we took turns driving for about two hours at a time. We were only about 50 miles from home, down Spanish Fork canyon, when a couple of deer darted out in front of us. James was asleep at the time. I was able to dodge the first deer, but the second smacked right into us, and then went under the car. It scared the living daylights out of me, and James woke in a panic, not knowing what had happened. I pulled over, my adrenaline going like crazy. Some guys behind us swerved around the deer and stopped; they came back to check on us, then moved the deer out of the road. Once my heart had stopped pounding, we continued on our way, but only for a few more miles before the car gave out. The radiator had clearly been damaged, and was leaking fluid.

We called for roadside assistance. (Thank goodness for cell phones!) It took ages for the insurance company to coordinate. Thankfully we had all those blankets in the car with us! But because we were in such a remote area, the cost of towing was prohibitively expensive. James ended up calling his family. To our extreme relief and gratitude, James's brother Matthew was able and willing to come get us. When he arrived, he was able to tow us a few miles down the canyon to a rest stop (those few miles were pretty terrifying, not going to lie!) and then drove us home. It was about 4:30am by the time we finally made it! James got about an hour of sleep before he had to be up again to get to work in Salt Lake.

This afternoon was spent dealing with the car. James's brothers, bless them!, rented a truck and went back down the canyon for my car. They picked me up and we took it to the auto shop. Fortunately our insurance covers a rental car, so I was picked up at the shop by the rental company. We're still waiting for our insurance appraiser to evaluate the estimate from the auto shop, but we're hopeful that the car is not totaled, and we'll be getting Roxanne back soon. Fortunately, I also had a prenatal appointment this morning, and everything was fine with me and Baby J.

We are grateful that we were not hurt at all, and we are so grateful to James's family for their help and generosity, and we are grateful for insurance, and we are grateful to be home. Ironically, we're headed back to Colorado this weekend for their state championship. You can be assured that we'll be praying for an uneventful trip!!

"Obligatory Thanksgiving Gratitude Post" - or something like that

I can't help feeling a little stereotypical, a little cliche, while writing a gratitude post at Thanksgiving time. However, I would also feel rather sad and calloused if I did not jump on the Thanksgiving train and express the sincere gratitude that I feel--Thanksgiving time or not.

At this time, I am feeling particularly sensitive to the fragility of life. My cousin Matt Mechling died in a tragic car accident last week, and I attended his funeral Monday. On the one hand, it was nice to see so many members of my extended Mechling family. If only it hadn't been such a terrible reason to get together.

My cousin was 38 years old. He left behind a vibrant and beautiful wife, and their two teenage sons, the younger of whom has severe autism. All three of them spoke at the funeral (the younger son with his mother's assistance) along with a handful of others. The funeral was beautiful, in a way. It was truly a tribute to Matt's life. It is obvious that he was a truly remarkable husband, father, brother, and friend.

The funeral affected me in several ways. I would be lying if I said it hadn't struck a chord of fear within me. What would I do if I lost my James too early? Now, or ten years from now, still too soon to lose my best friend, my companion.

It also sharpened my sense of gratitude. I have so many blessings. So many things for which I feel immeasurably grateful. I suppose it is the excuse of Thanksgiving that I use at this time, but I would now like to take the opportunity to express just a few of the things for which I am feeling thankful at this time.

My husband

"How did I get so lucky?" is a pretty common expression in our house. And I feel it: I feel incredibly lucky. Before I got married, I had no idea just how wonderful marriage could be. James and I truly enjoy one another. We love spending time together: at the studio, at church, with friends, and at our home, cooking, reading, listening to or playing music, watching movies, playing with Shadow, just talking. Even when we are doing separate things, we most often will still be found in the same room.

I am grateful for his love, for his affection, and for his willingness to express both to me. I am grateful for his drive and his dedication, to his schoolwork and all that he sets his mind to. I am grateful for his spirituality, his willingness to share his testimony, and his determination to live the gospel. I am grateful for his work ethic. I am grateful for his compassion and his kindness. I am grateful for the respect that he shows me every day.

James is the very best part of my life. Words cannot fully express my gratitude for him!

Baby

I haven't even met Baby J yet, and I'm already grateful for him. His little kicks and nudges make me immeasurably happy. Motherhood is something that I have craved for many years, and I am so grateful to finally be in this stage of my life.


Parents

I am so grateful for my parents. They are such a blessing in my life. Both of my parents care very deeply about me, and they show it to me day after day. I am grateful to them for caring, for taking care of me (even now that I'm married and starting my own family) and for being such a phenomenal example of what love, fidelity, and dedication look like in marriage.

Shadow

My puppy makes me ridiculously happy. And he's such a good dog. We win.

Home

We love our house. I am so grateful that we had the opportunity to buy our home. It truly has become a haven. I'm especially grateful at the moment, as we have begun contemplating what we want to do with Baby J's nursery--and we can do whatever we want, because it's our house! I feel more at home in this place than I ever have in the many apartments I've rented over the years.


Music

Maybe I'm sensitive to this at the moment (currently listening to "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Check it out) but I really find myself distraught at the thought of my life sans music. I love listening to music, and I love playing music. The piano is one of my greatest comforts and outlets. Also? James brought out his violin on Sunday and played it for me for the first time ever. Wow.


Taekwondo

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to teach at our Taekwondo school. I work with some pretty amazing kids, and I find immense satisfaction in seeing them learn and grow and become more confident. I am also grateful for the other opportunities that it has afforded me: becoming more athletic and confident myself, but also things like the referee experience I have gained and so thoroughly enjoyed. I can no longer imagine my life without Taekwondo in it, particularly because the martial arts are such an integral part of mine and James's life together, and what we intend for our family.

The Gospel

It is unfathomable to me to imagine my life without the light of Christ. Each and every day I am blessed. I am grateful to have insta-friends via our ward. I am grateful to have the scriptures. I am grateful to have knowledge of my Savior and His Atonement. I am grateful to have the Spirit to guide and direct me, and comfort me. And I am especially grateful for the temple, and all the blessings received there. Particularly in times of trouble, the temple brings me great comfort.

And so, so, so much more...

If I were to sit and truly "list" my blessings, it would be an endless task. There are multitudes of people, events, things, and realizations in my life for which I am grateful. I would rather not wax even more verbosely than I already have. Instead, please know that I am a very fortunate person, for whom the world holds much good.

Happy Thanksgiving!

General Conference moments

A friend of mine posted the other day that she loves October General Conference because it feels like the first holiday of the season, and I couldn't agree more. Part of it is the break from routine (including the regular church routine), part of it is eating yummy food (though I kind of slacked on that part this time around), and part of it is the family time.

Conference this weekend was pretty mellow for James and I. We watched the four main sessions at home. I think James would have watched the priesthood session at home too, now that it's an option, except that his family invited us over for priesthood session/girls night, and we obliged.

But you know, there was something kind of special about watching conference this way, this time. In the past, I have often watched with friends and family, at various locations. But this time, I really treasured watching conference in my home, with my family--all four of us, as we like to say. :)

I found several talks of great meaning to me. I would like to highlight a few.

First, President Uchtdorf's talk yesterday. I have had several friend in recent years decide to leave the Church, for various reasons. On the one hand, it breaks my heart that they make this choice. But on the other hand, I have hated watch them bear judgment and be ostracized because of that choice. So when President Uchtdorf cautioned us that the reasons for leaving the church are many and complex, and that we should not pass judgment, a part of me rejoiced. But then I felt even more strongly when he cautioned all of us concerning our own questions and doubts.

This graphic popped up on Facebook practically before the session was over. I'm not normally one for reposting stuff like this, but I loved the quote so much, I couldn't help myself.

This morning, I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure what he was actually talking about, but I had a really profound moment in the midst of him speaking. He was talking about his parents' marriage at the time, when suddenly, in the moment of clarity, I felt so strongly the truth of eternal marriage. I looked over at James, and I knew that we are going to be together forever. I know that's like, "duh, Valerie, you knew that already" and you're right, I did. It's hard to express realizations like this, so I'll just reiterate that in that moment, it was exceptionally profound.

And of course, I always enjoy listening to President Monson. James and I wept while listening to him talk about his departed wife, and his testimony that they would be together again. What I have always enjoyed most about President Monson is his love for the members and his sense of humor. I cannot get over hearing about people who call him 'Tommy Monson.' I swear it makes me smile every time, because I just can't imagine referring to the Prophet that way. But that is why I love him, this dear Prophet of ours who can make me cry and smile and laugh and make my heart burn with the Spirit all in the same 10 minutes.

It's also poignant to realize that at the next General Conference, we will be preparing for (or maybe already have) a new baby. The talks about family all seemed to be just for me this time around!

God truly cares about me!

I have just had one of the most spiritual moments in my life. As Valerie could tell you, I've been stressing over school work recently, particularly a program assignment for one of my Computer Science classes. I've been struggling with this assignment all week, and it came to a head today, the day the assignment was due.

I started working on this program this morning, and made slow but steady progress throughout the morning. However, around 1:30, I hit a brick wall. I have never been so utterly stymied in anything I've worked on in school, but this one did it. I worked all the way through my 2:00 class and through my leadership class at Taekwondo, fortunate that I have a loving wife to take care of my Leadership responsibilities for today.

The clock kept ticking, and I grew more and more frantic. I had combed my code multiple times, and just couldn't figure out what the matter was. It got to a point where I was *this* close to a nervous breakdown, and I finally turned to the Lord in full. I had uttered some small prayers throughout the day to help me out, and had felt His presence guiding me, but the time for small prayers was over. I gave myself over completely to the Lord, begging him for guidance and direction, admitting that I couldn't do this alone.

I finished my prayer, and waited for an answer. Eventually, I felt I should check a particular section of code I thought I had already combed thoroughly. However, I did look again, and lo and behold, the missing code was staring me in the face! I was able to complete the program for full marks and pass it off on time.

Now, I know that there are some who would read this and say it's merely a coincidence. I assure you, dear readers, that I was certain of that part of my code being acceptable, all the errors pointed to a completely different section of my program, and I almost certainly would not have thought to look at the faulty section. It is my testimony and firm belief this was no coincidence, that God helped me through this struggle, and that He did so because he loves me. It is my prayer that my faith will continue to grow, and that my experience will be an example for others who wonder if God listens and loves us. I know that He does!

James R. Holley