Kieran's Home Birth

My estimated due date was December 2nd. I fully expected Kieran to come late, and did everything I could to prepare myself emotionally for that eventuality. After all, Joel was 7 days late and Xander was 12 days late. I knew it was practically inevitable. But despite all my mental prep, it was still really rough, especially the last five days or so.

On Thursday morning (41 weeks + 4 days), my midwife Karla had me come for a non-stress test. At this stage of lateness, they start to get concerned about the placenta shutting down. The NST was okay, but not great. Kieran's heart didn't have any decelerations, which was good, but he didn't have great accelerations in response to stimuli, which is less good. At that point, Karla gave me a concoction of castor oil, juice, almond butter, and lemon verbena.

I had taken castor oil with Joel, and I had been pretty reluctant to try it again. Online forums are rife with warnings about the risks. But there comes a desperation, and with my midwife's encouragement, I went ahead and gave it a try.

About three hours later, I began having contractions. They were not super intense, but they quickly grew regular and stayed that way through the afternoon. I began to be hopeful! We had dinner, went to the store, inflated the birth tub, and around 8pm took the boys over to my parents for the night.

However, my contractions were not progressing. Karla checked me that evening, and I was only dilated to 3cm. It was devastating to have made so little progress after contracting all day. The problem was that Kieran was still posterior and his head wasn't engaged in my cervix. Karla gave me some exercises to do that would encourage him to turn around. I worked at them through the evening and into the small hours of the morning, and my contractions did grow more intense...until I fell asleep. When I woke up early the next morning, labor had stopped entirely. It was sooooo discouraging!

So now Friday the 14th had arrived (41+5), and I felt like we were back at square one. James and I went to Karla's house at 10am. She checked me again, and to our surprise and relief she announced that I was dilated to 7cm and 70% effaced! But Kieran's head still wasn't engaged. Karla gave me another dose of the castor oil concoction and sent me home to work on moving this baby around.

At about 11am, contractions started up again, as intense as they'd left off the night before. I moved between exercises, working to get Kieran to turn around. My mom brought the kids home for a bit, so we hung out before putting Xander down for a nap, then put a show on for Joel. The intensity of my contractions increased, but the interval stayed irregular, between 6-9 minutes apart.

Just before 2pm, Karla texted to see how things were going. When I told her what was happening, she asked if I was ready for her to come over. I told her I wanted to wait until my contractions were closer together. She warned me not to wait too long.

Then all the sudden, my contractions jumped to 3 minutes apart. After a few of these in a row, I decided that maybe things were moving faster than I'd thought. I texted Karla at 2:20pm and told her yes, I did want her to come over. She headed our way. I called my mom and asked her to come pick up the boys. So in the midst of stronger and stronger contractions, James and I packed up the boys and their overnight things. My mom and Karla arrived within minutes of each other. We said goodbye to the children, and my mom left with them around 2:45pm. It was a bit chaotic there for a bit!

Once they were gone, Karla checked me. I was dilated to 9cm and pretty close to complete. Ahh! So I called the photographer. I think I gave her a mini heart attack when I told her I was already at 9cm. Fortunately she made it over in time! (Unlike Karla's assistant, who arrived about 5 minutes after Kieran did.)

I labored for a little while longer before I got in the birth pool.We had the tub set up next to our Christmas tree. With the lights down low and "Ever After" playing quietly in the background, it felt like it was going to be peaceful and amazing.

But I only got to labor in the tub for about 20 minutes. Karla was monitoring Kieran's heart during contractions, and she grew concerned about the drop in his heart rate. Ultimately she asked me to get out of the tub so that she could control things better. Getting out of the tub was not very fun. We moved me to the floor; I ended up in this weird half-squat position. After another contraction, Karla told me that we needed to get the baby out, now.

There's nothing like the urgency of a midwife in a moment like that. On my next contraction, she told me to push and to keep pushing. In the background, I could hear Karla asking James to call 911, in case we needed help getting the baby to breathe. Now feeling frightened for Kieran, I kept pushing, certain that I was tearing as I did so.

On my third big push, his head was delivered. His body followed easily, and then to all our relief, he let out an enormous cry! James was able to hang up with 911 as we welcomed little Kieran into the world at 3:55pm.

I remember feeling immediately euphoric after the birth of my other children. Unfortunately it took a few minutes to get to that point this time--I'm pretty sure that Kieran bruised my tailbone with his little posterior self. It made it really hard to get into a comfortable position so that I could hold him. Ultimately James and Karla cobbled together some cushions for me to recline on there on the floor so that I could finally hold my baby. (Part of the adventure of birthing at home!) What a joy he was to hold at last!!

Not too long after birth, I called my parents and had them bring the boys over to meet their new little brother. They were all pretty delighted.

After my parents took the boys back to their house for the night, there was much settling in. Karla got Kieran's measurements: 8lbs 2oz, 20 inches long, and 14.5 head circumference. (And no tearing for me, huzzah!)

Karla finished examining Kieran and filling out paperwork. She and her assistant got all the birth supplies cleaned up, got me cleaned up, made sure Kieran was nursing well, started the laundry, then departed, leaving James and I at home with our snuggly little boy.

All in all it was a wonderful birth experience. Giving birth at home is awesome. It's empowering, it's peaceful, and it's sooooo nice to be able to sleep in my own bed afterward. James is the best partner; he was there every step of the way encouraging, comforting, and supporting me. This was our third delivery together, and he knew just what to do - applying pressure to my back, setting up things I would need, and caring for me and the baby afterward. I am more in love with James than ever, and we are both so in love with our sweet Kieran.

30

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

A year ago on my birthday, I remember thinking how weird it was going to be to turn 30. I seriously didn't feel old enough for that yet!

My birthday last year (super pregnant with baby X). This girl was not ready to turn 30.

It's here now, and I can't say that I'm struggling with the idea any more. The last year has been...candidly, it's been rough. Moving away from family and friends, dealing with postpartum depression, adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom of TWO crazy, beautiful boys...it's been a roller coaster ride, for sure.

With this birthday, I wanted to reflect a little. Turning 30 feels like a huge milestone to me. I mean, it's a whole new decade! At the cusp of it, I'd say that my 30s definitely have some appeal. I've finally reached the point where I have to acknowledge that I'm a grown up. (Hahaha, yes it took this long.)

"...one year older and wiser too..."

The last decade has been pretty awesome, all things considered. The biggest highlights? Getting married! Pushing little humans out of my body. Earning my 4th degree black belt. Publishing two kick-butt fantasy novels. Refereeing at Nationals. Graduating college (with honors!) Serving as vice chair of Families Supporting Adoption. Stage managing Henry V on the Adams stage. So many good times with friends and loved ones. Working, playing, traveling, competing, writing, listening. All the memories!

My life has shifted, especially over the course of this past year. I am in mom-mode. Most of my day-to-day activities are centered around Joel and Xander, and the time I get to spend on my personal goals is so much more limited than it used to be. I don't regret that, though it's definitely hard sometimes.


Looking forward, I wonder what the next decade will hold. I am a dreamer of dreams. I want to earn my fifth degree, and open a studio with James. I have books to write! I would love to travel to another continent. I am determined to learn to speak Spanish. I want to get a Master's Degree (that may have to wait another decade, we'll just have to see!) And so much more.

Most importantly, though, I want to be a good mom. Motherhood is challenging, and not always the most rewarding occupation. It's hard not to lose myself in the daily grind of it all. But even after my hardest days, when they're finally in bed, I find myself looking at pictures and videos of their antics, smiling at their beautiful faces. Joel and Xander bring me so much joy. They are worth the heartache and the tears.

I think about their future all the time. I think about what I want their childhood to be. I dream about soccer games and camping trips, little black belts and musicians. I plan how I can make those things happen for them. I love teaching Joel, I love seeing the light bulb go on when he figures out something new. Those little experiences are the absolute highlight of my days right now.

So if my personal goals get delayed...c'est la vie. There is only so much time in the day, and mine is well-spent treasuring these little monsters.

I believe turning 30 is going to feel fabulous!

Camp NaNoWriMo

If you haven't ever heard of it, National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo) takes place each November. Aspiring novelists all over the world embark on an epic quest to pen 50,000 words in 30 days. Camp NaNoWriMo is a less formal version that takes place during the summer, this year in July. I am excited to participate!

I have done NaNoWriMo as well as the Camp version many times in the past. (Every year from 2006-2013!) In fact, portions of both my published novels were composed as NaNo projects. I love the motivation and support that NaNoWriMo provides. There's an incredible energy to it.

The past couple of years I have skipped NaNoWriMo, because I had a couple of babies. :P Seriously, though, I never imagined, before having kids, how much it would affect my writing.

A) Raising little boys takes up a lot of time and energy. During my formerly-most productive times of day, I now either have little boys to care for, or I'm exhausted from caring for said kidlets.
B) Post-partum depression seriously affects my creative energy.

I read an article a few months ago by an author who declared that sometimes mom-writers mistake writer's block for what is really PPD. This article was a real turning point for me. Previously, I have felt really guilty and/or frustrated with myself when I have struggled to work on my books. I mean, writing novels is supposed to be fun, right? But while battling depression, doing anything creative feels a lot like pulling teeth.

It's hard because I know a number of people have been waiting for mine and Sam's third book for a long time. I get asked periodically when the trilogy will be completed. It's hard to admit to my readers, whom I want so desperately to please, that I simply haven't written anything in months. That I haven't wanted to write. That I haven't really been able to write.

Happily, the fog of depression is beginning to lift. This happened about a year after Joel was born, so I'm excited to been feeling a bit more like myself only 8 months after Xander's birth. I still struggle some days, but I actually feel like I can commit to Camp NaNoWriMo this time around.

Camp begins on July 1st. My goal is to write 30,000 words. Or more! Since I have already 33k written in Buk Tri ("book three" of our Seventh Empire series), this should put me around one-third complete, if the third book is similar in length to the other two. And hopefully it will get me back into the habit of writing consistently, so that we can get this thing done! Wish me luck!

#SAHM

I am embarking on a journey. I don't quite know where it will lead, but I am hoping that it will be helpful and healing.

A few months ago, my friend Tierra started posting a photo a day with the hashtag #sahm. (Stay at home mom.) For the first little while, I found her photos fun; another cute picture of her son, or whatever. But about a month in, she posted this explanation of why she was posting everyday. It helped her fight with depression.

The photos took on a lot more meaning. I really love seeing them. They're not always happy. But they are honest. I love her candid descriptions of how some days just suck. Her posts have been really resonating with me.



Depression bears a lot of stigma. Perhaps less than it once did. And people so often don't know how to respond, even when they are trying to be helpful. It's been hard for me to talk about with anyone.

This past summer, I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. To be honest, I think I have been dealing with depression since I was a teenager, but pregnancy and postpartum make it much, much worse.

Up until we moved to North Carolina, I worked part time, teaching taekwondo. On bad days, it was hard to summon the energy and enthusiasm to teach class. But really, I think taekwondo helped stave off the depression somewhat. A) physical exercise B) social outlet + adult conversation C) time away from my baby.

Since we moved, I have become a full-time SAHM. And I have never felt so isolated in my life. James is wonderful, but he is only one person. He cannot fill the void of my family, friends, students and peers. And he is in law school. It's a bit time-intensive. (Plus, we don't have our wonderful parents and siblings close by, willing to babysit. I can count on my hand how many baby-free dates we've had since moving.)

This leaves me alone with our little children much of the time. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly, and I am grateful that I am able to be at home with them. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days, I feel good and enjoy my babies. But some days, I feel lonely/sad/angry/anxious/exhausted/guilty/overwhelmed/self-loathing/impatient/worried/weepy/indifferent/destructive/panicked/numb/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated.

Facebook is my primary means of staying connected with friends. But Facebook has been hard for me lately. I believe in being genuine. I never post happy things if I'm not happy. Sometimes that means I simply don't post for long stretches of time (for me) because I can't find anything happy to post about. But that's not really being genuine either--and that's how I have arrived here.

I need to communicate my reality. So, I intend to post every day with the hashtag #sahm. These posts may or may not be "happy" but they will be real. I don't know yet if it will help me. But I feel strongly that communicating is better than staying silent. If my posts bother you, feel free to unfollow me.

Please, above all else, please do not post suggestions on how better to manage my depression. Recommending "solutions" is hurtful, and sometimes offensive. I am working with my care providers to manage my disorder. From you, I simply need understanding and encouragement. For that, I would be very grateful.

3 months

I had so much fun taking pictures of Xander this morning. I had real trouble picking one for his Facebook album. He has such a little personality! And he's so strong--he's got pretty good head control, and he's rolled over once! That was a couple of days ago, and he hasn't done it since, but still! I'm so proud of him.

Bring on 2016

We are a little late this year with our traditional New Year's poster. What with our trip to Utah and then getting settled back in afterward, we waited until tonight's FHE to assemble our goals for the year.

Each year, James and I set individual goals, and we set goals for our family. We require our goals to be quantifiable--they have to be things that we can check off. We also try to create a mixture of mental, physical, and spiritual goals.

First, let's review the past year. Unfortunately, I threw out our 2015 poster before remembering to photograph it with the accomplishments checked off. But here's the photo from the beginning of our year:

We were about halfsies on our goals this year. James started law school, earned his 3rd Dan, and read 6 out of his intended 10 new books. As a family, we moved to Durham and went on a family camping trip. James and I went on a date every week, and met our temple attendance goal. As for me, I earned my 4th Dan, read 5 new books (+started a sixth) and learned to make sushi (simple rolls, at least). Plus had a baby!!

This year, I feel like our goals (mine, at least) are a bit more modest, and at the same time, a bit more realistic. I present our 2016 poster:

For James:

• Obtain a 1L job (aka legal internship this summer)
• Obtain a 2L job (for next summer)
• Read 10 new books
• Change oil in car
• Read the Book of Mormon
• Join a legal journal

For Valerie:

• Referee at the NC State Championships
• Read 5 new books
• Create a photography portfolio, utilizing monthly blog posts
• Read the Book of Mormon
• Teach Joel the alphabet
• Win NaNoWriMo (aka write 50,000 words)

For our family:

• Family camping trip
• Washington D.C. trip 
• Donate 4 handmade blankets to a charity
• Take Joel & Xander to the zoo
• Go on a date every week
•  Attend the temple at least thrice

It promises to be an interesting year! Candidly, the main focus of my life right now is my children. Mothering is a full-time job for me, so anything else I get done on the side is a major accomplishment. Still, I look forward to 2016. I can't wait to see what it offers us.

Thankful Things

Thanksgiving is definitely a bit different for us this year. We are spending it at home, just the four of us (plus Shadow :D). Actually, I've been really looking forward to it. We're planning to play movies all day, hang out, maybe play games, and of course, stuff our faces! While I love our families, it will be nice, in it's way, not to try and balance spending time with everyone over the break, but just be able to relax in our home. (Though James does have to study, naturally.)

I always like to reflect, at this time of the year, on the things for which I am grateful. I try to be mindful of these things on a regular basis, but Thanksgiving is a special opportunity to really sit down and ponder my blessings.

The other day, as I was thinking about Thanksgiving, I gave myself a little challenge. I decided to try and see how many Thankful Things I could list in 3 minutes. It was kind of fun to rattle them off. I used the voice recorder on my phone, which is why the formatting is non-existent. Here's what I came up with:

my husband my children my home my dog
the church prayer the atonement my Savior
baby smiles 

new words that Joel says 

Joel's laugh 

toddler snuggles
shadows funny run when he's excited
my parents and all my family and my in-laws

adoption the Jacksons the Walleses
all my friends, new and old

playgroup, for me and for Joel

my ability to play the piano and having one in my home
music in general

taekwondo, but I miss it
beautiful photographs of my family
my good health
Christmas
all holidays, really
vacations
our financial circumstances

being able to stay home with our children

my education
James's education, ongoing
my possessions, which I enjoy so much
books and stories and movies

playing Magic the Gathering with James
the Internet
my GPS, or otherwise I wouldn't be able to go anywhere

The order here should in no way indicate degrees of importance. :P Really, this was just me rattling off things as quickly as I could think of them, which is why there are some less-than-serious notations. 

What it really made me realize is the magnitude of my blessings. These were what I could think of in three minutes, and I wasn't done. I could have gone on for another three minutes, and probably much longer.

Life is hard. I have struggled somewhat of late. Adjusting to a new baby in the house. Sleep deprivation. Postpartum blues. Two essentially helpless little people constantly in need of my attention. Taking more than twice as long to get out of the house. Breastfeeding the baby every two hours, feeling chained to him. Postpartum body woes (aka daily wardrobe crises). It can all be overwhelming at times.

But then I consider this list of Thankful Things, and the weight lifts a little. While the challenges I face are real, it is a comfort to remember the things for which I am grateful. It doesn't make the struggles any easier, necessarily. But it helps me rise to meet them.

I hope that you all have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. And I hope you know that I am grateful for you.

Discharged!

When the doctors left yesterday afternoon, we were told that if Xander did well overnight with his oxygen saturation, we'd be discharged first thing in the morning. It had been emphasized to me the importance of a visit to his pediatrician as soon after his discharge as possible. Anticipating that we'd be going home on Monday, as originally planned, I had scheduled this visit on Tuesday morning, as I already had Joel's 18 month checkup scheduled that day. So I told the doctor about the appointment, and asked if we'd be able to make it. He said to go ahead and keep the appointment, and as long as Xander did well through the night, they'd get us out in time to make it.

James joined me at the hospital after putting Joel to bed at home. We were a little anxious for a little while, as Xander's oxygen kept satting around 88%, when the doctors wanted him in the 90s. We kept talking to him while he slept, and continued praying that he would breathe well. By the time we went to bed, he was hovering in the low 90's. The only time during the night that he dropped was when I changed his diaper. Something about screaming his little guts out seemed to interfere with his breathing for a few minutes...

One of the doctors on our team visited us early this morning, before we'd gotten up for the day. He confirmed that Xander had done great overnight, and pending a final check by the attending physician, we'd be discharged around 8:30 or 9am. James had to leave for school before that time. I had already asked my mother to pick us up in the morning, so that she and I could take the boys to the pediatrician.

I packed up all our stuff (amazing how much we'd accumulated in our week stay!) and pumped one last time. Incidentally, once we were officially discharged, the nurse brought to me all the breastmilk I had pumped during the week, and I was stunned by how much there was! I now have an awesome stash.

The doctors wanted Xander to get his hearing test before the official discharge, so I had to wait for that. The nurse finally brought him back to me around 8:45, and then we sat...waiting...anxiously watching the clock...praying that nothing would end up keeping us there...

The team came in at 9:10am. The attending physician briefly examined Xander and pronounced him ready to be discharged. I got the "new mom" instructions, and things to watch for. Then they left to give his official discharge orders. The nurse came back in, removed Xander's IV and security anklet, and then we were free. I quickly dressed him, buckled him into his carseat, and we were out of there!

It has been the absolute best--snuggling my baby at home, with my little family all around. It is such a relief to be done with our hospital stay. We're still praying for Xander's good health. I feel such an incredible gratitude for my sweet baby, my husband, my mother, and for all the friends and family who have sent thoughts and prayers our way. <3

Pediatrics: Monday

James returned to school today. I just have to say again how grateful I am that he was out of school last week. It was such a blessing not to worry about him missing classes, or conversely, having to deal with all of this on my own if he had chosen to go to class. It made it a lot easier to send him back to school today.

When our medical team came on their rounds this morning, I was disheartened to learn that they thought it pretty unlikely that Xander could go home today. I'd been told Monday evening as our target discharge. But the team (attending physician + med students) were concerned because Xander has been so up and down with his oxygen needs.

Basically, I was told that if we could successfully wean him off oxygen by lunchtime and keep him off throughout the day, we might be able to go home tonight. But that was "very optimistic" and it was more likely that we'd be spending another night.

When they left, I talked with our nurse, and she was totally onboard with trying to wean Xander off his oxygen. So over the course of the morning, she turned his oxygen down by degrees, and we had indeed gotten him totally off oxygen support by lunchtime.

Xander smiles in his sleep all the time. Sooo cute.

He did great this afternoon. His oxygen saturation hovered in the low 90s, so not quite as high as hoped, but within the parameters the doctor had set for him. His heart rate and respiration rate stayed consistent, and he didn't show any distress. I'll admit, I totally got my hopes up.

One of the med students was keeping tabs on Xander this afternoon, and he seemed hopeful that we could be discharged. But after speaking with the attending physician, he came back and told me that they were going to keep Xander one more night, to monitor him off oxygen throughout the night.

I am so bummed. I know one night is nothing in the greater scheme of things. But after a week of this, I am sooo ready to be done. Sigh.

On the bright side, my amazing mother extended her stay until Saturday. It's been a big stress on my mind, especially with Xander's discharge up in the air, because she was supposed to leave on Wednesday afternoon. But she's amazing, and is going to stick around to help us get Xander settled at home before she goes. Hopefully my dad can survive a few more days without her. ;)

Hopefully in the morning we'll be busting out of this joint. Keep your fingers crossed!

Our weekend in Pediatrics

On Friday, our sons met for the first time.

Honestly, Joel was not super interested in the baby. He looked him over briefly, then proceeded to explore every cabinet and drawer in the room. He was also very interested in the play area down the hall. They have balls and cars. Much more interesting than that squishy thing Mama's holding. :)

The weekend was pretty quiet, medically speaking. Xander's oxygen needs went up and down several times, and late Saturday night he seemed to be struggling a bit more to breathe. But that resolved on its own, thankfully, though it was very worrying at the time.

I have to make a note here about engorgement: It sucks. My milk came in hardcore on Thursday, and by Friday morning I was referring to my breasts as rocks. I got to visit with a lactation consultant on Friday morning, and she gave me several things to help ease the discomfort. She did tell me that this was probably something that I would just have to suffer through--albeit not so bad--for a few days before my body settled. Not going to lie, it was pretty amusing to have an entire head of cabbage delivered to our room shortly after the consult. I got some funny comments from nurses and others who visited. But I think the cabbage leaves actually did help!

Anyway, our days took on something of a routine. James and I spent the nights at the hospital. After spending the mornings with Xander--snuggling, nursing, pumping--we headed home in the afternoons to refresh and spend time with Joel. Then we returned in the late afternoon to the hospital.

It was hard. When I was with Xander, I missed Joel. When I was with Joel, I missed Xander. When I was with Xander, at least I knew that Joel had Grandma to take care of him. But leaving Xander was hard, all alone in that big hospital room. I know the nurses enjoyed snuggling him. But I still felt guilty, especially because breastfeeding is so important to me. Even with pumped milk, I felt guilty for leaving him with a bottle. It was awful to feel so torn between my babies.

We're hoping to be released Monday evening after Xander's last dose of antibiotics. I cannot wait to be done with this particular trial, and be able to be home as a family.

NICU Day 3 / Transition

To my surprise and delight, when I went into the NICU at 8am on Thursday morning, I found Xander off oxygen and IV fluids. The nurse had taken him off about an hour before, and he was doing great!

James came to the hospital shortly thereafter. We were told that if Xander continued to do well off oxygen and IV fluids, that he would probably be transferred out of the NICU and into the regular pediatrics unit, where he could finish his 7-day course of antibiotics. After visiting with Xander for awhile that morning, James took me home for a few hours to refresh and spend some time with Joel.

Side bar: Last Saturday, partially as a diversion from STILL being pregnant, and partially as something we'd already been planning to do, we went to For Garden's Sake (a charming nursery that we fell in love with this summer) to pick out a shade tree for our yard. We fell in love with this Shumard Oak, which James planted on Thursday afternoon.

While at home, we got the call we'd been hoping for--Xander had been moved to pediatrics! Yay! We finished with the tree, then returned to the hospital.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the move had upset the stability Xander had achieved in the NICU. We were pretty disappointed to find him back on oxygen support by the time we arrived.

Still, the children's unit was a HUGE improvement, especially when it came to OUR comfort. Xander had a large private room, with a bathroom and shower, and a pull-out couch. Also, the policy for visitors was much more relaxed. In the NICU, only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, which had made it virtually impossible for Joel to come. So we planned for Joel to visit the next day.

James had planned on sleeping at our house that night, while I spent the night with Xander. But I'll be honest, I had a total emotional breakdown that night. I think the weight of everything happening, plus the postpartum hormones hitting me, contributed to me becoming a weepy mess. So James ended up driving all the way back to spend the night with me. I have the best husband in the world!

NICU Day 2

Wednesday morning James and I went to the hospital. To our relief and joy, Xander was no longer under the oxy hood. It had been replaced by a nose cannula for his oxygen. But this meant we could hold him, and I was able to breastfeed. It was such a relief to snuggle with our chunky monkey!

Unfortunately, because of his continuing need for oxygen support, we learned that he would indeed be staying for at least a week. The main purpose of the week was to run a full course of antibiotics. It was disheartening to hear Xander would be staying so long, when we'd hoped to take him home the next day. But of course his health was most important!

Wednesday afternoon I brought my mother to the hospital to visit. She was sure a happy grandma! I have to say, my mother has been our saving grace this week. With her here to watch Joel, James and I have been able to spend most of our time at the hospital with Xander. While it's certainly been hard to be away from Joel so much, at least he's got Grandma doting on him at home, which I think has mitigated some of the hardship for him.

That night was an adventure. I was given a sleeping room in the NICU. I had made a feeding plan with the nurses, to breastfeed Xander every three hours. So I set alarms on my phone, and every three hours that night, I got up, shuffled through the hallways to Xander's pod, and fed my baby. I wouldn't have had it any other way, though by the 5am feeding, I definitely felt like a zombie. I continued to pump periodically, so that Xander would have milk for when I wasn't there.

NICU Day 1 (Part 2)

In retrospect, I have to be glad that Xander came late. Last week, James happened to be on fall break. Of course, this time was supposed to be spent on his major writing assignment. Fortunately, his professor was very generous and gave him a week extension. Because not a lot of schoolwork happened during the first week of Xander's life. And I don't know what I would have done if James had not been there with me.

It was determined on Tuesday that he had indeed aspirated meconium, and based off his chest x-ray, the doctors were fairly certain that he had developed pneumonia, which is a common result. We were told that he was definitely going to be there for two days, but might end up staying a week, depending on his response to the treatment.

Xander spent all of Tuesday under the oxy hood. I asked, mid-morning, if there was any possibility of holding and maybe nursing him. At that point, I was told, it was important to maintain his "oxygen environment" under the hood, which meant no.

We were given a boarder room--basically somewhere we could crash and keep our stuff while at the hospital. This was helpful, as there is basically no free space in the NICU. There's barely room to pull a couple of chairs up to his little bedside.

The lactation consultant visited; she showed me how to use the hospital breast pump, and advised me on hand expressing my colostrum, since the pump isn't super effective at getting the thicker colostrum out. Although, it's been fantastic to use since my milk came in. SO much nicer than the little manual pump I have at home.

Late that evening, our home teacher came to the hospital to help James give Xander a priesthood blessing. To be honest, I'd never met our home teacher before, and James had only met him this past Sunday while in nursery with Joel. But I think it stands as a testament to the wonderful community of the church. We were so grateful that he came. The blessing brought James and I a great deal of comfort, and I felt that Xander's breathing seemed less labored afterward.

We decided to check out of the boarder room and go home that night. I knew that I needed rest, which I wasn't going to get much of there. Between waking Monday morning and that point Tuesday evening, I had only had about three hours of sleep, and had delivered a baby in the midst. But it was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving my baby at the hospital and going home without him. It just broke my heart.

NICU Day 1

Xander was born at 9:28pm Monday night. It took a couple of hours for us to get settled in. By midnight, James and I had finally laid down with the baby to attempt some sleep.

It's impossible to rest, however, when you've got a little baby between you who can't sleep. Xander's breathing was rapid, and as time passed, it grew more and more labored. The nurse had checked him before leaving us for the night, but we finally brought her back in around 3:30am. She didn't seem very concerned, but acknowledged that he was breathing too fast, and called in the midwife. After her examination, they decided to deep suction him, supported with oxygen.

He did have a lot of amniotic fluid in him. But even after the deep suction and a good bit of time on oxygen, his breathing had not improved. It was such a struggle for him. Our midwife decided to call UNC hospital, who sent over a team to examine him. We were warned at that point that it was likely we'd be going to the hospital.

The UNC team arrived shortly and spent a few minutes examining the baby. They decided to take him to the NICU. James and I rapidly threw our things together. I was given this whole new reason to be grateful for not tearing. After Joel was born, I could barely walk to the bathroom for the first couple of days. There's no way I could have gotten up, dressed, and climbed into an ambulance mere hours after delivery.

At the hospital, we were shown to a waiting room while Xander was assessed and set up in the NICU. I just wept. The doctor eventually came to us there. She talked us through everything that might be going on, the most likely being meconium aspiration--that Xander had breathed in his first poop during his birth. They were going to start him on antibiotics, get a chest x-ray, start him on IV fluids, and keep him under an oxygen hood to stabilize his breathing. She advised us that Xander's condition was not overly serious, and simply would take time to assess and treat.

We were soon taken in to see him. We had been warned that the NICU can be overwhelming, which was absolutely the case. The room is full of equipment and sounds, and there is a constant air of worry from the parents and visitors. It's impossible to fully relax there, with the incessant barrage of beeping, bubbling, hisses and whispers.

Xander was in a warmer, under the oxygen hood, with an IV and a bunch of other wires. The oxy hood looked like an astronaut helmet. The hardest part that first day, besides the uncertainty, was not being able to hold him or breastfeed. We could touch him, but not being able to hold him was awful. I felt totally bereft of this little life that so shortly before had been safe in my womb.

And so the waiting began. Or rather, changed. We'd been waiting for his arrival. Now we were waiting to know what was wrong, waiting to know what would happen, waiting to know when our sweet baby could come home.

Birth story: Baby X

I thought I had it bad with Joel, who was born a week late. I tried to prepare myself for Baby X to come late. I had my mother schedule her flight out six days after his due date, knowing it was likely. But in spite of all my "preparations," I grew more and more disheartened as I passed 40 weeks. My mother arrived, and still no baby. 41 weeks, still no baby, and no signs of labor. My midwives started preparing me for a possible induction at 42 weeks, which was NOT what I wanted. Needless to say, there were many prayers and tears over the past few weeks!

After nothing and more nothing, I finally started having some contractions on Sunday evening. They were sporadic and light, but they were something. Monday morning, October 12th, the contractions started to seem a bit more promising. I had a non-stress test scheduled at noon, to check the baby's heartrate and make sure he was doing well. I figured if my contractions progressed, I'd get checked while we were there. When it came time to go, James and I went ahead and packed up the bag with my labor supplies and the infant car seat--just in case.

We headed to the birth center--the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill. The NST took FOREVER. I was hooked up to the monitors for nearly two hours. (The test is supposed to be 20 minutes.) First of all, Xander was a wiggly monster. Secondly the nurse couldn't get him to react well to stimuli, which is one of the major things that determines his well being. I know it was necessary, but it was still majorly frustrating! Especially because I was having contractions the entire time.

We visited briefly with the on call midwife, who gave us some options. We decided to go get some lunch--we were starving!--and then come back to get checked. It was about 2:30pm when we got back to the birth center. The midwife, Allison, checked my cervix. To my utter astonishment, she announced that I was dilated to 7-8cm and had bulging waters! James and I were totally stunned, but elated that I was having a baby at last. I was admitted and we got settled into our birthing suite.

We went for a couple of walks around the grounds, then labored in the tub for awhile. The contractions stayed pretty consistent, getting a bit stronger. It was about 5pm when I requested another cervical check. It's not routine for them to check, but I wanted to know if I was progressing, to be able to pace myself. Allison determined that the baby's head had dropped a fair bit, but I was still at about 8cm. That was a little disheartening. She suggested changing positions--all fours, or on my knees over the edge of the tub--to help him move into position.

So we kept working. James and I were left mostly to our devices, except for a nurse coming in every half hour to check the baby's heartbeat. It was not quite what I had expected, but I actually rather liked it. It might have been different if this was my first delivery. But James and I knew what to do, and it was nice to just do it, the two of us. I labored all over the place--multiple positions in the tub, leaning on James, standing and bracing on the sink, and later others. I loved the freedom to do what my body wanted to do.

I think it was just before 8pm when I had James bring Allison in. She watched me through a contraction standing, then suggested I try the birthing stool. I had never used one before. It really increased the sense of pressure. I labored there for awhile. When things got more intense, Allison suggested moving to either the pool or the bed--she wanted a gravity-neutral position for the next part of my labor, in the hope of avoiding tearing like I had done previously. So I moved back to the tub.

Contractions got much more intense. I didn't actually feel the urge to push. I felt pressure, but nothing like the urge to bear down like I remember feeling with Joel. But it felt like time, so I just started trying to push, to see what happened. And it was definitely time!

Pushing took what felt like ages. Xander was positioned at an odd angle, so I had to change my position several times. My water broke there in the tub. Shifting during that part was agonizing. The worst was when Allison said she wanted me to get out of the tub and move to all fours on the bed. At several points along the way to the bed, that seemed like an impossible request. For several contractions I stood at the edge of the bed. I thought my legs were going to give out! He crowned there; Allison suggested lying on the edge of the bed, saying that movement would probably pop him out. She wasn't far off. I lurched rather awkwardly onto my side. Lying on the corner of the bed with one leg up in the air, I gave two more pushes and out he came!

His cord was very short--they could only get him to my tummy, I could only see the top of his head. They ended up having James cut his cord right away so we could move. But while still in my awkward edge-of-the-bed position, I suddenly expelled about a pint of blood. James was a bit alarmed! Apparently it was just the result of my placenta shedding, and the placenta itself soon followed. But I hardly noticed most of that, because I was enraptured by my beautiful baby!

That full head of dark hair makes me so happy. He's got long Holley fingers and toes. Of course his size was immediately noticeable--a little while after the birth, they took his measurements, which were astonishing--9lbs 15oz, 22 inches long, 15.75" head circumference. The best part was hearing that I pushed out a baby just shy of 10 pounds with NO TEARING. Hallelujah! And I can tell you, there is a world of difference in how I feel postpartum.

We got settled in. James went and got us a pizza. Xander nursed for the first time. Once we were all cleaned up, measured, fed and squared away, we attempted to get some sleep.

Unfortunately, that's where things went downhill. But that story shall continue in another post. I would like to remember my triumphant delivery of Alexander Lee Holley independently of what followed. It was a wonderful, empowering birth.

To be continued...

Our Musical Nursery

Baby X is due in less than 8 weeks! People keep saying to me, "Wow, coming up fast!" To which my response is usually, "Not fast enough for me!" Mostly because I'm very excited to meet our newest munchkin. (Also because pregnancy sucks.)

James and I have had some serious back-and-forth debates about baby X's room. The biggest question mark has been his bed. Joel slept in our room in a pack & play for his first four months or so before transitioning to his crib in the nursery. I fully anticipate doing similarly with baby X, except that there is no crib waiting in the nursery for him.

Joel will be almost 18 months old when X comes. At the moment, Joel is nowhere close to being ready to transition out of his crib. Meaning that baby X won't be able have the crib for an undetermined period of time.

James and I debated maybe just getting a second crib. The one that we have, which we love, can become a toddler bed, and eventually serve as parts for an adult size bed as well. But this didn't seem to be the right solution for our future plans. So baby X gets to stay in the pack & play, whether in our room or his own, until Joel is ready to move to a big boy bed. Then baby X will inherit Joel's crib.

I decided to set up the nursery with the pack & play there, even though it will be moving into our room when the baby actually comes. This nursery is not as elaborate as what we put together in Utah for Joel, but the little details please me greatly nonetheless.

Baby X's nursery is music themed. While it's mostly just the basics in place, there are some fun touches that we have included:

Curtains

Thanks are due once again to my awesome mother, who created these curtains for baby X. From a distance, it's hard to tell, but up close, the fabric pops with colorful music notes! Super fun.

James and I are in love with this clock! It's not actually as hard to read the time as I feared it would be when we ordered it. It's beautiful, and we love the personal touch. :) You should know that we had a great debate over whether to use the baby's full name on the clock. But we already refer to him almost exclusively by the short version (he is baby X, after all, not baby A), so that's what went on the clock.

Last but not least is a little design of my own which I painted above the dresser. While it's not perfect, I am still very happy with how it turned out. Can you determine what the song is?

The only thing left to be added is to bring up my armchair from the living room, which will once again be a comfy spot for me and the baby to nurse. We're leaving it downstairs for a couple more weeks.

All in all, I am feeling much more prepared for baby X's arrival!

Adventures in Motherhood: Eating out with my son

Joel is an active little boy. Unless he is unconscious, he is constantly exploring, babbling, and getting into things. While this sometimes can be exhausting, for the most part, it is a trait that I adore.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've had what I would call an adventure in motherhood. Another way to phrase it might be "experiences you didn't know you'd be having until you became a parent."

Last week, James and I went to Oteo in Lindon for dinner. It's a little family-owned Mexican place right next to our taekwondo studio; we've eaten there once before, and both times, I've been impressed by the unique qualities of their food. It's a pretty small place, probably a dozen or so tables all told, and fairly quiet.

James and I got seated, and Joel settled in a high chair. Needless to say, Joel is not really a quiet diner. He babbles, and his current form of asking for more food is to shriek. (We sometimes refer to him as "Veloci-baby.") He enjoyed sharing my empanada, even the peppers!

Still, I could not help but notice the looks garnered by our vocal baby. There was a woman seated behind James (so, directly in front of me) that craned her neck around a couple of times to glance at Joel. Kitty-corner from them, there was a young couple that outright stared at Joel multiple times, and "whispered" behind their hands afterward--loud enough that I could catch at least a few of the words, including "baby" and something that sounded a lot like "I would never."

Yesterday, James and I went out to lunch for Valentine's Day to our new favorite sushi place, Sakura in Orem. I have been sick, so this was about all we did to celebrate Valentine's Day. Again, we had Joel. (Actually, I'd been looking forward to letting him try sushi...he wasn't a fan!) And, of course, he was his usual self. While the reaction wasn't as bad as when we were at Oteo's, he still got a number of sideways glances and clearly some comments from the couple across the way.

I'll admit, I was embarrassed, both times. I would hate to sour anyone else's dining experiences, especially if, as it was for us yesterday, they were celebrating a special occasion.

That said, I was also a little upset to be at the brunt end of such rudeness, especially at Oteo. James and I love to eat out; it's one of our favorite ways to spend date night. We love to enjoy different foods, different atmospheres, and each other's company and conversation. Even if we ate out less (and we don't eat out an unreasonable amount as it is), I still don't think it would be reasonable to ask us to leave our son behind every time. We simply cannot afford, in either money or favors, to get a babysitter every time we want to go out.

If your suggestion would be, "just don't eat out," I have one thing to say to you: Get. Real. I am not going to spend the next X years stuck inside because I am a parent. Besides, adults can be just as obnoxious as kids. Have you ever met my brother? He's louder than any 10 babies. (Love you, Kyle!) 

Babies are not like adults. They don't have social skills yet. Joel doesn't understand that he shouldn't shriek or throw food on the ground, much as we try to prevent him doing so. I may know that he is annoying you, but that won't stop him from doing his thing. Giving me the stinkeye and whispering behind your hand about how you would never be "that parent" does nothing except sour the experience for me AND for you.

So, for future reference, if you're at a restaurant and there's a shrieking baby, how about instead of acting annoyed, you instead give those parents an encouraging smile, letting them know, "you got this!" You'll probably feel better about the experience than you would otherwise, and I know that I, as the parent, certainly would as well.

Crawling!

Joel has been on the verge of crawling for a couple of weeks now. He started taking little lurches on Wednesday/Thursday, and then, Friday, it just seemed to click! This weekend has been major exploring time for our Smush, who seems delighted with his newfound abilities.

He's definitely keeping me on my toes right now! We haven't yet baby-proofed the house. It's definitely time!!