Discharged!

When the doctors left yesterday afternoon, we were told that if Xander did well overnight with his oxygen saturation, we'd be discharged first thing in the morning. It had been emphasized to me the importance of a visit to his pediatrician as soon after his discharge as possible. Anticipating that we'd be going home on Monday, as originally planned, I had scheduled this visit on Tuesday morning, as I already had Joel's 18 month checkup scheduled that day. So I told the doctor about the appointment, and asked if we'd be able to make it. He said to go ahead and keep the appointment, and as long as Xander did well through the night, they'd get us out in time to make it.

James joined me at the hospital after putting Joel to bed at home. We were a little anxious for a little while, as Xander's oxygen kept satting around 88%, when the doctors wanted him in the 90s. We kept talking to him while he slept, and continued praying that he would breathe well. By the time we went to bed, he was hovering in the low 90's. The only time during the night that he dropped was when I changed his diaper. Something about screaming his little guts out seemed to interfere with his breathing for a few minutes...

One of the doctors on our team visited us early this morning, before we'd gotten up for the day. He confirmed that Xander had done great overnight, and pending a final check by the attending physician, we'd be discharged around 8:30 or 9am. James had to leave for school before that time. I had already asked my mother to pick us up in the morning, so that she and I could take the boys to the pediatrician.

I packed up all our stuff (amazing how much we'd accumulated in our week stay!) and pumped one last time. Incidentally, once we were officially discharged, the nurse brought to me all the breastmilk I had pumped during the week, and I was stunned by how much there was! I now have an awesome stash.

The doctors wanted Xander to get his hearing test before the official discharge, so I had to wait for that. The nurse finally brought him back to me around 8:45, and then we sat...waiting...anxiously watching the clock...praying that nothing would end up keeping us there...

The team came in at 9:10am. The attending physician briefly examined Xander and pronounced him ready to be discharged. I got the "new mom" instructions, and things to watch for. Then they left to give his official discharge orders. The nurse came back in, removed Xander's IV and security anklet, and then we were free. I quickly dressed him, buckled him into his carseat, and we were out of there!

It has been the absolute best--snuggling my baby at home, with my little family all around. It is such a relief to be done with our hospital stay. We're still praying for Xander's good health. I feel such an incredible gratitude for my sweet baby, my husband, my mother, and for all the friends and family who have sent thoughts and prayers our way. <3

Pediatrics: Monday

James returned to school today. I just have to say again how grateful I am that he was out of school last week. It was such a blessing not to worry about him missing classes, or conversely, having to deal with all of this on my own if he had chosen to go to class. It made it a lot easier to send him back to school today.

When our medical team came on their rounds this morning, I was disheartened to learn that they thought it pretty unlikely that Xander could go home today. I'd been told Monday evening as our target discharge. But the team (attending physician + med students) were concerned because Xander has been so up and down with his oxygen needs.

Basically, I was told that if we could successfully wean him off oxygen by lunchtime and keep him off throughout the day, we might be able to go home tonight. But that was "very optimistic" and it was more likely that we'd be spending another night.

When they left, I talked with our nurse, and she was totally onboard with trying to wean Xander off his oxygen. So over the course of the morning, she turned his oxygen down by degrees, and we had indeed gotten him totally off oxygen support by lunchtime.

Xander smiles in his sleep all the time. Sooo cute.

He did great this afternoon. His oxygen saturation hovered in the low 90s, so not quite as high as hoped, but within the parameters the doctor had set for him. His heart rate and respiration rate stayed consistent, and he didn't show any distress. I'll admit, I totally got my hopes up.

One of the med students was keeping tabs on Xander this afternoon, and he seemed hopeful that we could be discharged. But after speaking with the attending physician, he came back and told me that they were going to keep Xander one more night, to monitor him off oxygen throughout the night.

I am so bummed. I know one night is nothing in the greater scheme of things. But after a week of this, I am sooo ready to be done. Sigh.

On the bright side, my amazing mother extended her stay until Saturday. It's been a big stress on my mind, especially with Xander's discharge up in the air, because she was supposed to leave on Wednesday afternoon. But she's amazing, and is going to stick around to help us get Xander settled at home before she goes. Hopefully my dad can survive a few more days without her. ;)

Hopefully in the morning we'll be busting out of this joint. Keep your fingers crossed!

Our weekend in Pediatrics

On Friday, our sons met for the first time.

Honestly, Joel was not super interested in the baby. He looked him over briefly, then proceeded to explore every cabinet and drawer in the room. He was also very interested in the play area down the hall. They have balls and cars. Much more interesting than that squishy thing Mama's holding. :)

The weekend was pretty quiet, medically speaking. Xander's oxygen needs went up and down several times, and late Saturday night he seemed to be struggling a bit more to breathe. But that resolved on its own, thankfully, though it was very worrying at the time.

I have to make a note here about engorgement: It sucks. My milk came in hardcore on Thursday, and by Friday morning I was referring to my breasts as rocks. I got to visit with a lactation consultant on Friday morning, and she gave me several things to help ease the discomfort. She did tell me that this was probably something that I would just have to suffer through--albeit not so bad--for a few days before my body settled. Not going to lie, it was pretty amusing to have an entire head of cabbage delivered to our room shortly after the consult. I got some funny comments from nurses and others who visited. But I think the cabbage leaves actually did help!

Anyway, our days took on something of a routine. James and I spent the nights at the hospital. After spending the mornings with Xander--snuggling, nursing, pumping--we headed home in the afternoons to refresh and spend time with Joel. Then we returned in the late afternoon to the hospital.

It was hard. When I was with Xander, I missed Joel. When I was with Joel, I missed Xander. When I was with Xander, at least I knew that Joel had Grandma to take care of him. But leaving Xander was hard, all alone in that big hospital room. I know the nurses enjoyed snuggling him. But I still felt guilty, especially because breastfeeding is so important to me. Even with pumped milk, I felt guilty for leaving him with a bottle. It was awful to feel so torn between my babies.

We're hoping to be released Monday evening after Xander's last dose of antibiotics. I cannot wait to be done with this particular trial, and be able to be home as a family.

NICU Day 1

Xander was born at 9:28pm Monday night. It took a couple of hours for us to get settled in. By midnight, James and I had finally laid down with the baby to attempt some sleep.

It's impossible to rest, however, when you've got a little baby between you who can't sleep. Xander's breathing was rapid, and as time passed, it grew more and more labored. The nurse had checked him before leaving us for the night, but we finally brought her back in around 3:30am. She didn't seem very concerned, but acknowledged that he was breathing too fast, and called in the midwife. After her examination, they decided to deep suction him, supported with oxygen.

He did have a lot of amniotic fluid in him. But even after the deep suction and a good bit of time on oxygen, his breathing had not improved. It was such a struggle for him. Our midwife decided to call UNC hospital, who sent over a team to examine him. We were warned at that point that it was likely we'd be going to the hospital.

The UNC team arrived shortly and spent a few minutes examining the baby. They decided to take him to the NICU. James and I rapidly threw our things together. I was given this whole new reason to be grateful for not tearing. After Joel was born, I could barely walk to the bathroom for the first couple of days. There's no way I could have gotten up, dressed, and climbed into an ambulance mere hours after delivery.

At the hospital, we were shown to a waiting room while Xander was assessed and set up in the NICU. I just wept. The doctor eventually came to us there. She talked us through everything that might be going on, the most likely being meconium aspiration--that Xander had breathed in his first poop during his birth. They were going to start him on antibiotics, get a chest x-ray, start him on IV fluids, and keep him under an oxygen hood to stabilize his breathing. She advised us that Xander's condition was not overly serious, and simply would take time to assess and treat.

We were soon taken in to see him. We had been warned that the NICU can be overwhelming, which was absolutely the case. The room is full of equipment and sounds, and there is a constant air of worry from the parents and visitors. It's impossible to fully relax there, with the incessant barrage of beeping, bubbling, hisses and whispers.

Xander was in a warmer, under the oxygen hood, with an IV and a bunch of other wires. The oxy hood looked like an astronaut helmet. The hardest part that first day, besides the uncertainty, was not being able to hold him or breastfeed. We could touch him, but not being able to hold him was awful. I felt totally bereft of this little life that so shortly before had been safe in my womb.

And so the waiting began. Or rather, changed. We'd been waiting for his arrival. Now we were waiting to know what was wrong, waiting to know what would happen, waiting to know when our sweet baby could come home.