Discharged!

When the doctors left yesterday afternoon, we were told that if Xander did well overnight with his oxygen saturation, we'd be discharged first thing in the morning. It had been emphasized to me the importance of a visit to his pediatrician as soon after his discharge as possible. Anticipating that we'd be going home on Monday, as originally planned, I had scheduled this visit on Tuesday morning, as I already had Joel's 18 month checkup scheduled that day. So I told the doctor about the appointment, and asked if we'd be able to make it. He said to go ahead and keep the appointment, and as long as Xander did well through the night, they'd get us out in time to make it.

James joined me at the hospital after putting Joel to bed at home. We were a little anxious for a little while, as Xander's oxygen kept satting around 88%, when the doctors wanted him in the 90s. We kept talking to him while he slept, and continued praying that he would breathe well. By the time we went to bed, he was hovering in the low 90's. The only time during the night that he dropped was when I changed his diaper. Something about screaming his little guts out seemed to interfere with his breathing for a few minutes...

One of the doctors on our team visited us early this morning, before we'd gotten up for the day. He confirmed that Xander had done great overnight, and pending a final check by the attending physician, we'd be discharged around 8:30 or 9am. James had to leave for school before that time. I had already asked my mother to pick us up in the morning, so that she and I could take the boys to the pediatrician.

I packed up all our stuff (amazing how much we'd accumulated in our week stay!) and pumped one last time. Incidentally, once we were officially discharged, the nurse brought to me all the breastmilk I had pumped during the week, and I was stunned by how much there was! I now have an awesome stash.

The doctors wanted Xander to get his hearing test before the official discharge, so I had to wait for that. The nurse finally brought him back to me around 8:45, and then we sat...waiting...anxiously watching the clock...praying that nothing would end up keeping us there...

The team came in at 9:10am. The attending physician briefly examined Xander and pronounced him ready to be discharged. I got the "new mom" instructions, and things to watch for. Then they left to give his official discharge orders. The nurse came back in, removed Xander's IV and security anklet, and then we were free. I quickly dressed him, buckled him into his carseat, and we were out of there!

It has been the absolute best--snuggling my baby at home, with my little family all around. It is such a relief to be done with our hospital stay. We're still praying for Xander's good health. I feel such an incredible gratitude for my sweet baby, my husband, my mother, and for all the friends and family who have sent thoughts and prayers our way. <3

Our weekend in Pediatrics

On Friday, our sons met for the first time.

Honestly, Joel was not super interested in the baby. He looked him over briefly, then proceeded to explore every cabinet and drawer in the room. He was also very interested in the play area down the hall. They have balls and cars. Much more interesting than that squishy thing Mama's holding. :)

The weekend was pretty quiet, medically speaking. Xander's oxygen needs went up and down several times, and late Saturday night he seemed to be struggling a bit more to breathe. But that resolved on its own, thankfully, though it was very worrying at the time.

I have to make a note here about engorgement: It sucks. My milk came in hardcore on Thursday, and by Friday morning I was referring to my breasts as rocks. I got to visit with a lactation consultant on Friday morning, and she gave me several things to help ease the discomfort. She did tell me that this was probably something that I would just have to suffer through--albeit not so bad--for a few days before my body settled. Not going to lie, it was pretty amusing to have an entire head of cabbage delivered to our room shortly after the consult. I got some funny comments from nurses and others who visited. But I think the cabbage leaves actually did help!

Anyway, our days took on something of a routine. James and I spent the nights at the hospital. After spending the mornings with Xander--snuggling, nursing, pumping--we headed home in the afternoons to refresh and spend time with Joel. Then we returned in the late afternoon to the hospital.

It was hard. When I was with Xander, I missed Joel. When I was with Joel, I missed Xander. When I was with Xander, at least I knew that Joel had Grandma to take care of him. But leaving Xander was hard, all alone in that big hospital room. I know the nurses enjoyed snuggling him. But I still felt guilty, especially because breastfeeding is so important to me. Even with pumped milk, I felt guilty for leaving him with a bottle. It was awful to feel so torn between my babies.

We're hoping to be released Monday evening after Xander's last dose of antibiotics. I cannot wait to be done with this particular trial, and be able to be home as a family.

NICU Day 3 / Transition

To my surprise and delight, when I went into the NICU at 8am on Thursday morning, I found Xander off oxygen and IV fluids. The nurse had taken him off about an hour before, and he was doing great!

James came to the hospital shortly thereafter. We were told that if Xander continued to do well off oxygen and IV fluids, that he would probably be transferred out of the NICU and into the regular pediatrics unit, where he could finish his 7-day course of antibiotics. After visiting with Xander for awhile that morning, James took me home for a few hours to refresh and spend some time with Joel.

Side bar: Last Saturday, partially as a diversion from STILL being pregnant, and partially as something we'd already been planning to do, we went to For Garden's Sake (a charming nursery that we fell in love with this summer) to pick out a shade tree for our yard. We fell in love with this Shumard Oak, which James planted on Thursday afternoon.

While at home, we got the call we'd been hoping for--Xander had been moved to pediatrics! Yay! We finished with the tree, then returned to the hospital.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the move had upset the stability Xander had achieved in the NICU. We were pretty disappointed to find him back on oxygen support by the time we arrived.

Still, the children's unit was a HUGE improvement, especially when it came to OUR comfort. Xander had a large private room, with a bathroom and shower, and a pull-out couch. Also, the policy for visitors was much more relaxed. In the NICU, only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, which had made it virtually impossible for Joel to come. So we planned for Joel to visit the next day.

James had planned on sleeping at our house that night, while I spent the night with Xander. But I'll be honest, I had a total emotional breakdown that night. I think the weight of everything happening, plus the postpartum hormones hitting me, contributed to me becoming a weepy mess. So James ended up driving all the way back to spend the night with me. I have the best husband in the world!

NICU Day 2

Wednesday morning James and I went to the hospital. To our relief and joy, Xander was no longer under the oxy hood. It had been replaced by a nose cannula for his oxygen. But this meant we could hold him, and I was able to breastfeed. It was such a relief to snuggle with our chunky monkey!

Unfortunately, because of his continuing need for oxygen support, we learned that he would indeed be staying for at least a week. The main purpose of the week was to run a full course of antibiotics. It was disheartening to hear Xander would be staying so long, when we'd hoped to take him home the next day. But of course his health was most important!

Wednesday afternoon I brought my mother to the hospital to visit. She was sure a happy grandma! I have to say, my mother has been our saving grace this week. With her here to watch Joel, James and I have been able to spend most of our time at the hospital with Xander. While it's certainly been hard to be away from Joel so much, at least he's got Grandma doting on him at home, which I think has mitigated some of the hardship for him.

That night was an adventure. I was given a sleeping room in the NICU. I had made a feeding plan with the nurses, to breastfeed Xander every three hours. So I set alarms on my phone, and every three hours that night, I got up, shuffled through the hallways to Xander's pod, and fed my baby. I wouldn't have had it any other way, though by the 5am feeding, I definitely felt like a zombie. I continued to pump periodically, so that Xander would have milk for when I wasn't there.

NICU Day 1 (Part 2)

In retrospect, I have to be glad that Xander came late. Last week, James happened to be on fall break. Of course, this time was supposed to be spent on his major writing assignment. Fortunately, his professor was very generous and gave him a week extension. Because not a lot of schoolwork happened during the first week of Xander's life. And I don't know what I would have done if James had not been there with me.

It was determined on Tuesday that he had indeed aspirated meconium, and based off his chest x-ray, the doctors were fairly certain that he had developed pneumonia, which is a common result. We were told that he was definitely going to be there for two days, but might end up staying a week, depending on his response to the treatment.

Xander spent all of Tuesday under the oxy hood. I asked, mid-morning, if there was any possibility of holding and maybe nursing him. At that point, I was told, it was important to maintain his "oxygen environment" under the hood, which meant no.

We were given a boarder room--basically somewhere we could crash and keep our stuff while at the hospital. This was helpful, as there is basically no free space in the NICU. There's barely room to pull a couple of chairs up to his little bedside.

The lactation consultant visited; she showed me how to use the hospital breast pump, and advised me on hand expressing my colostrum, since the pump isn't super effective at getting the thicker colostrum out. Although, it's been fantastic to use since my milk came in. SO much nicer than the little manual pump I have at home.

Late that evening, our home teacher came to the hospital to help James give Xander a priesthood blessing. To be honest, I'd never met our home teacher before, and James had only met him this past Sunday while in nursery with Joel. But I think it stands as a testament to the wonderful community of the church. We were so grateful that he came. The blessing brought James and I a great deal of comfort, and I felt that Xander's breathing seemed less labored afterward.

We decided to check out of the boarder room and go home that night. I knew that I needed rest, which I wasn't going to get much of there. Between waking Monday morning and that point Tuesday evening, I had only had about three hours of sleep, and had delivered a baby in the midst. But it was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving my baby at the hospital and going home without him. It just broke my heart.

Our Musical Nursery

Baby X is due in less than 8 weeks! People keep saying to me, "Wow, coming up fast!" To which my response is usually, "Not fast enough for me!" Mostly because I'm very excited to meet our newest munchkin. (Also because pregnancy sucks.)

James and I have had some serious back-and-forth debates about baby X's room. The biggest question mark has been his bed. Joel slept in our room in a pack & play for his first four months or so before transitioning to his crib in the nursery. I fully anticipate doing similarly with baby X, except that there is no crib waiting in the nursery for him.

Joel will be almost 18 months old when X comes. At the moment, Joel is nowhere close to being ready to transition out of his crib. Meaning that baby X won't be able have the crib for an undetermined period of time.

James and I debated maybe just getting a second crib. The one that we have, which we love, can become a toddler bed, and eventually serve as parts for an adult size bed as well. But this didn't seem to be the right solution for our future plans. So baby X gets to stay in the pack & play, whether in our room or his own, until Joel is ready to move to a big boy bed. Then baby X will inherit Joel's crib.

I decided to set up the nursery with the pack & play there, even though it will be moving into our room when the baby actually comes. This nursery is not as elaborate as what we put together in Utah for Joel, but the little details please me greatly nonetheless.

Baby X's nursery is music themed. While it's mostly just the basics in place, there are some fun touches that we have included:

Curtains

Thanks are due once again to my awesome mother, who created these curtains for baby X. From a distance, it's hard to tell, but up close, the fabric pops with colorful music notes! Super fun.

James and I are in love with this clock! It's not actually as hard to read the time as I feared it would be when we ordered it. It's beautiful, and we love the personal touch. :) You should know that we had a great debate over whether to use the baby's full name on the clock. But we already refer to him almost exclusively by the short version (he is baby X, after all, not baby A), so that's what went on the clock.

Last but not least is a little design of my own which I painted above the dresser. While it's not perfect, I am still very happy with how it turned out. Can you determine what the song is?

The only thing left to be added is to bring up my armchair from the living room, which will once again be a comfy spot for me and the baby to nurse. We're leaving it downstairs for a couple more weeks.

All in all, I am feeling much more prepared for baby X's arrival!

6 months

My baby is 6 months old today. It's a little crazy to think about. On the one hand, I feel like he was just born last month. But sometimes I can't seem to remember life without him--like I've always known him and loved him. 

A few weeks old

Here is our 6-month status update:

Sleep. Joel hasn't really settled. His bedtime and wake-up time are pretty consistent. He goes to bed around 8:30pm and gets up for the day around 8:30am. But the hours in between are often a tossup. We went a few weeks where he was only getting up once a night--which was fantastic. But lately he's been getting up more often. (I suspect a growth spurt.) I have often had to deal with less-than-preferable amounts of sleep. But before now, I've never had to deal with interrupted sleep. My body is still adjusting, and it can be exhausting!

1 month

Eating. Joel is a fantastic eater. He nurses quickly and efficiently. For awhile right at first we dealt with some acid reflux, but we haven't had any trouble for several months. Now we're looking forward to trying solid foods! We've tried a couple of things, and Joel has not been at all interested--in fact, this afternoon we tried some avocado, and he was flat out revolted. Check out the video on Instagram.

2 months

Rolling Over. Joel started rolling over when he was about 3 1/2 months old, from back to tummy. He got the hang of that really well. But he never seemed bothered to learn to roll the other way! I've caught him rolling from tummy to back a handful of times, but he still doesn't do it consistently. I suspect he'll be crawling first!

3 months

Sitting Up. He is a champion sitter, and has been for over a month now. It was kind of like he just decided to do it one day, and suddenly he could. He loves it so much that he won't really lay down anymore without fussing.

4 months

Teeth! Joel's been drooling like a monster for ages, but only in the last week or so have we had any progress--and now he's got two little bottom teeth coming in! I love showing them off.

5 months

Needy phase. He is definitely very attached to me and James! He's a very social baby in general, and loves to interact with people. At the moment, if someone (preferably mom or dad) isn't paying attention to him or holding him, he gets rather fussy. Silly kid.

6 months old!

So. Much. Cuteness. There are so many happy moments with this baby. The moments when Joel smiles, and just melts my heart. The moments when someone else is holding him, but he turns and reaches out to me, demanding to be passed to me. The moments when he is tired, and snuggles sleepily into my neck. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just going to burst with how much I love this tiny person.

Life is so much better with my little Smush in it. He brings me so much joy! Even with all the challenges, I absolutely love being a mom. Life is great!

Why I am grateful to be breastfeeding

Today I am feeling incredibly grateful. Breastfeeding can be an awfully taboo subject, and I was feeling nervous about posting my thoughts. But the reasons that I am grateful have nothing to do with bragging or with flaunting my breasts (which I think is a bizarre attitude about breastfeeding, regardless).

Breastfeeding is really hard sometimes. It can be painful. It is hard to feel chained to the baby, with a 2-hour timer always counting down. It's tiring, especially at night, to be the only one who can feed him. I don't have many close friends who have breastfed their babies, so I have at times felt isolated, and I have had to figure out some things on my own. The hardest was figuring out how to breastfeed in public, especially when it got warm and Joel started refusing to eat under a cover. I've had to adjust, learn, and acclimate.

Still, with all the challenges, I have come to love and appreciate breastfeeding. So today I simply wanted to share, without any criticism of others, why breastfeeding makes me personally feel so blessed:

1. It's convenient.

I am so grateful that I do not have to deal with the hassle of bottles, formula, temperature, sterilizing, etc. While I recognize that they are necessary for many families, and I respect the women who make that choice for whatever reason, I am grateful that I don't have to mess with it. I carry my baby's food with me, at the perfect temperature, ready whenever he needs it. It's pretty amazing!

2. It's cheap.

I actually had no idea how much formula cost until a few weeks ago. I never looked into it, because I was always planning to nurse my baby. Formula is a racket! Holy cow! My only investments for breastfeeding were a couple of nursing bras, some nursing garment tops, nursing pads, and a nursing pillow--and even that was an indulgence. I am so grateful that we don't have to bear that particular financial burden.

3. It's good for Joel.

I know that formula has come a long way and I don't mean to criticize anyone who bottle-feeds. But there is no denying that breastmilk is very good for babies. I am grateful that I am physically able to breastfeed, because it helps me know that Joel is getting good nutrition. I am grateful that I don't have to worry about his weight or his health. I know that he is getting what he needs, and I definitely count that as a blessing.

4. I love spending that time with Joel.

I'll admit, as I stated before, that sometimes breastfeeding is a pain. But it's totally worth it. I love the bonding time I get to have with Joel. He's gotten into this adorable habit of pulling off periodically to smile at me, before hungrily latching back on for more. My most tender motherly feelings always come while Joel nurses. It is so sweet, so precious. I know that mothers who bottle-feed have wonderful bonding experiences just as much as I do. But I am grateful that breastfeeding opens up those opportunities for me and my son.


I don't think there needs to be shame in ANY way a mother feeds her child. Breastfeeding has its criticisms, as does bottle feeding. It's all nonsense. Mothers who love their babies, who do everything in their power to make sure their babies are fed, clean and happy, are all rockstars. Though my gratitude today was particularly focused on breastfeeding, mostly I'm just grateful and glad to be a mother. It's hard, it's exhausting, and it's totally awesome!