Home Sweet Home

Our new home brings us so much joy! So naturally we wanted to show it off. =) We moved in on March 30th and have been settling in nicely (sans an unfortunate adventure in our crawl space--ugh!). Today I finally felt like everything was looking good enough to take some photos and do a video tour. Happily I present, as Xander likes to say, "my Colorado house!"

And because I'm me, I also took photos. Joel insisted on being in every single one, because he's silly and awesome like that. 

View from the front entry

"Family room"

"Sitting room"

Dining room

Glorious kitchen

It's so silly, but I just love the pantry door

Kitchen

Kids bathroom

Playroom

Playroom

Office

Master bedroom

Taekwondo shrine in the master bedroom =)

Master bath <3

Holley dojang in the garage

Backyard

We have major plans for the backyard. I will probably end up posting progress updates, but we'll see how it goes!

Backyard

We are seriously in love with our new home. The interior is everything that we really wanted, and we are excited to invest time, money, and effort into the backyard to make it equally nice. It is so wonderful to finally feel like we can put down roots. It's time to make our house into our forever home!

Camp NaNoWriMo

If you haven't ever heard of it, National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo) takes place each November. Aspiring novelists all over the world embark on an epic quest to pen 50,000 words in 30 days. Camp NaNoWriMo is a less formal version that takes place during the summer, this year in July. I am excited to participate!

I have done NaNoWriMo as well as the Camp version many times in the past. (Every year from 2006-2013!) In fact, portions of both my published novels were composed as NaNo projects. I love the motivation and support that NaNoWriMo provides. There's an incredible energy to it.

The past couple of years I have skipped NaNoWriMo, because I had a couple of babies. :P Seriously, though, I never imagined, before having kids, how much it would affect my writing.

A) Raising little boys takes up a lot of time and energy. During my formerly-most productive times of day, I now either have little boys to care for, or I'm exhausted from caring for said kidlets.
B) Post-partum depression seriously affects my creative energy.

I read an article a few months ago by an author who declared that sometimes mom-writers mistake writer's block for what is really PPD. This article was a real turning point for me. Previously, I have felt really guilty and/or frustrated with myself when I have struggled to work on my books. I mean, writing novels is supposed to be fun, right? But while battling depression, doing anything creative feels a lot like pulling teeth.

It's hard because I know a number of people have been waiting for mine and Sam's third book for a long time. I get asked periodically when the trilogy will be completed. It's hard to admit to my readers, whom I want so desperately to please, that I simply haven't written anything in months. That I haven't wanted to write. That I haven't really been able to write.

Happily, the fog of depression is beginning to lift. This happened about a year after Joel was born, so I'm excited to been feeling a bit more like myself only 8 months after Xander's birth. I still struggle some days, but I actually feel like I can commit to Camp NaNoWriMo this time around.

Camp begins on July 1st. My goal is to write 30,000 words. Or more! Since I have already 33k written in Buk Tri ("book three" of our Seventh Empire series), this should put me around one-third complete, if the third book is similar in length to the other two. And hopefully it will get me back into the habit of writing consistently, so that we can get this thing done! Wish me luck!

Thankful Things

Thanksgiving is definitely a bit different for us this year. We are spending it at home, just the four of us (plus Shadow :D). Actually, I've been really looking forward to it. We're planning to play movies all day, hang out, maybe play games, and of course, stuff our faces! While I love our families, it will be nice, in it's way, not to try and balance spending time with everyone over the break, but just be able to relax in our home. (Though James does have to study, naturally.)

I always like to reflect, at this time of the year, on the things for which I am grateful. I try to be mindful of these things on a regular basis, but Thanksgiving is a special opportunity to really sit down and ponder my blessings.

The other day, as I was thinking about Thanksgiving, I gave myself a little challenge. I decided to try and see how many Thankful Things I could list in 3 minutes. It was kind of fun to rattle them off. I used the voice recorder on my phone, which is why the formatting is non-existent. Here's what I came up with:

my husband my children my home my dog
the church prayer the atonement my Savior
baby smiles 

new words that Joel says 

Joel's laugh 

toddler snuggles
shadows funny run when he's excited
my parents and all my family and my in-laws

adoption the Jacksons the Walleses
all my friends, new and old

playgroup, for me and for Joel

my ability to play the piano and having one in my home
music in general

taekwondo, but I miss it
beautiful photographs of my family
my good health
Christmas
all holidays, really
vacations
our financial circumstances

being able to stay home with our children

my education
James's education, ongoing
my possessions, which I enjoy so much
books and stories and movies

playing Magic the Gathering with James
the Internet
my GPS, or otherwise I wouldn't be able to go anywhere

The order here should in no way indicate degrees of importance. :P Really, this was just me rattling off things as quickly as I could think of them, which is why there are some less-than-serious notations. 

What it really made me realize is the magnitude of my blessings. These were what I could think of in three minutes, and I wasn't done. I could have gone on for another three minutes, and probably much longer.

Life is hard. I have struggled somewhat of late. Adjusting to a new baby in the house. Sleep deprivation. Postpartum blues. Two essentially helpless little people constantly in need of my attention. Taking more than twice as long to get out of the house. Breastfeeding the baby every two hours, feeling chained to him. Postpartum body woes (aka daily wardrobe crises). It can all be overwhelming at times.

But then I consider this list of Thankful Things, and the weight lifts a little. While the challenges I face are real, it is a comfort to remember the things for which I am grateful. It doesn't make the struggles any easier, necessarily. But it helps me rise to meet them.

I hope that you all have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. And I hope you know that I am grateful for you.

Discharged!

When the doctors left yesterday afternoon, we were told that if Xander did well overnight with his oxygen saturation, we'd be discharged first thing in the morning. It had been emphasized to me the importance of a visit to his pediatrician as soon after his discharge as possible. Anticipating that we'd be going home on Monday, as originally planned, I had scheduled this visit on Tuesday morning, as I already had Joel's 18 month checkup scheduled that day. So I told the doctor about the appointment, and asked if we'd be able to make it. He said to go ahead and keep the appointment, and as long as Xander did well through the night, they'd get us out in time to make it.

James joined me at the hospital after putting Joel to bed at home. We were a little anxious for a little while, as Xander's oxygen kept satting around 88%, when the doctors wanted him in the 90s. We kept talking to him while he slept, and continued praying that he would breathe well. By the time we went to bed, he was hovering in the low 90's. The only time during the night that he dropped was when I changed his diaper. Something about screaming his little guts out seemed to interfere with his breathing for a few minutes...

One of the doctors on our team visited us early this morning, before we'd gotten up for the day. He confirmed that Xander had done great overnight, and pending a final check by the attending physician, we'd be discharged around 8:30 or 9am. James had to leave for school before that time. I had already asked my mother to pick us up in the morning, so that she and I could take the boys to the pediatrician.

I packed up all our stuff (amazing how much we'd accumulated in our week stay!) and pumped one last time. Incidentally, once we were officially discharged, the nurse brought to me all the breastmilk I had pumped during the week, and I was stunned by how much there was! I now have an awesome stash.

The doctors wanted Xander to get his hearing test before the official discharge, so I had to wait for that. The nurse finally brought him back to me around 8:45, and then we sat...waiting...anxiously watching the clock...praying that nothing would end up keeping us there...

The team came in at 9:10am. The attending physician briefly examined Xander and pronounced him ready to be discharged. I got the "new mom" instructions, and things to watch for. Then they left to give his official discharge orders. The nurse came back in, removed Xander's IV and security anklet, and then we were free. I quickly dressed him, buckled him into his carseat, and we were out of there!

It has been the absolute best--snuggling my baby at home, with my little family all around. It is such a relief to be done with our hospital stay. We're still praying for Xander's good health. I feel such an incredible gratitude for my sweet baby, my husband, my mother, and for all the friends and family who have sent thoughts and prayers our way. <3

NICU Day 2

Wednesday morning James and I went to the hospital. To our relief and joy, Xander was no longer under the oxy hood. It had been replaced by a nose cannula for his oxygen. But this meant we could hold him, and I was able to breastfeed. It was such a relief to snuggle with our chunky monkey!

Unfortunately, because of his continuing need for oxygen support, we learned that he would indeed be staying for at least a week. The main purpose of the week was to run a full course of antibiotics. It was disheartening to hear Xander would be staying so long, when we'd hoped to take him home the next day. But of course his health was most important!

Wednesday afternoon I brought my mother to the hospital to visit. She was sure a happy grandma! I have to say, my mother has been our saving grace this week. With her here to watch Joel, James and I have been able to spend most of our time at the hospital with Xander. While it's certainly been hard to be away from Joel so much, at least he's got Grandma doting on him at home, which I think has mitigated some of the hardship for him.

That night was an adventure. I was given a sleeping room in the NICU. I had made a feeding plan with the nurses, to breastfeed Xander every three hours. So I set alarms on my phone, and every three hours that night, I got up, shuffled through the hallways to Xander's pod, and fed my baby. I wouldn't have had it any other way, though by the 5am feeding, I definitely felt like a zombie. I continued to pump periodically, so that Xander would have milk for when I wasn't there.

Birth story: Baby X

I thought I had it bad with Joel, who was born a week late. I tried to prepare myself for Baby X to come late. I had my mother schedule her flight out six days after his due date, knowing it was likely. But in spite of all my "preparations," I grew more and more disheartened as I passed 40 weeks. My mother arrived, and still no baby. 41 weeks, still no baby, and no signs of labor. My midwives started preparing me for a possible induction at 42 weeks, which was NOT what I wanted. Needless to say, there were many prayers and tears over the past few weeks!

After nothing and more nothing, I finally started having some contractions on Sunday evening. They were sporadic and light, but they were something. Monday morning, October 12th, the contractions started to seem a bit more promising. I had a non-stress test scheduled at noon, to check the baby's heartrate and make sure he was doing well. I figured if my contractions progressed, I'd get checked while we were there. When it came time to go, James and I went ahead and packed up the bag with my labor supplies and the infant car seat--just in case.

We headed to the birth center--the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill. The NST took FOREVER. I was hooked up to the monitors for nearly two hours. (The test is supposed to be 20 minutes.) First of all, Xander was a wiggly monster. Secondly the nurse couldn't get him to react well to stimuli, which is one of the major things that determines his well being. I know it was necessary, but it was still majorly frustrating! Especially because I was having contractions the entire time.

We visited briefly with the on call midwife, who gave us some options. We decided to go get some lunch--we were starving!--and then come back to get checked. It was about 2:30pm when we got back to the birth center. The midwife, Allison, checked my cervix. To my utter astonishment, she announced that I was dilated to 7-8cm and had bulging waters! James and I were totally stunned, but elated that I was having a baby at last. I was admitted and we got settled into our birthing suite.

We went for a couple of walks around the grounds, then labored in the tub for awhile. The contractions stayed pretty consistent, getting a bit stronger. It was about 5pm when I requested another cervical check. It's not routine for them to check, but I wanted to know if I was progressing, to be able to pace myself. Allison determined that the baby's head had dropped a fair bit, but I was still at about 8cm. That was a little disheartening. She suggested changing positions--all fours, or on my knees over the edge of the tub--to help him move into position.

So we kept working. James and I were left mostly to our devices, except for a nurse coming in every half hour to check the baby's heartbeat. It was not quite what I had expected, but I actually rather liked it. It might have been different if this was my first delivery. But James and I knew what to do, and it was nice to just do it, the two of us. I labored all over the place--multiple positions in the tub, leaning on James, standing and bracing on the sink, and later others. I loved the freedom to do what my body wanted to do.

I think it was just before 8pm when I had James bring Allison in. She watched me through a contraction standing, then suggested I try the birthing stool. I had never used one before. It really increased the sense of pressure. I labored there for awhile. When things got more intense, Allison suggested moving to either the pool or the bed--she wanted a gravity-neutral position for the next part of my labor, in the hope of avoiding tearing like I had done previously. So I moved back to the tub.

Contractions got much more intense. I didn't actually feel the urge to push. I felt pressure, but nothing like the urge to bear down like I remember feeling with Joel. But it felt like time, so I just started trying to push, to see what happened. And it was definitely time!

Pushing took what felt like ages. Xander was positioned at an odd angle, so I had to change my position several times. My water broke there in the tub. Shifting during that part was agonizing. The worst was when Allison said she wanted me to get out of the tub and move to all fours on the bed. At several points along the way to the bed, that seemed like an impossible request. For several contractions I stood at the edge of the bed. I thought my legs were going to give out! He crowned there; Allison suggested lying on the edge of the bed, saying that movement would probably pop him out. She wasn't far off. I lurched rather awkwardly onto my side. Lying on the corner of the bed with one leg up in the air, I gave two more pushes and out he came!

His cord was very short--they could only get him to my tummy, I could only see the top of his head. They ended up having James cut his cord right away so we could move. But while still in my awkward edge-of-the-bed position, I suddenly expelled about a pint of blood. James was a bit alarmed! Apparently it was just the result of my placenta shedding, and the placenta itself soon followed. But I hardly noticed most of that, because I was enraptured by my beautiful baby!

That full head of dark hair makes me so happy. He's got long Holley fingers and toes. Of course his size was immediately noticeable--a little while after the birth, they took his measurements, which were astonishing--9lbs 15oz, 22 inches long, 15.75" head circumference. The best part was hearing that I pushed out a baby just shy of 10 pounds with NO TEARING. Hallelujah! And I can tell you, there is a world of difference in how I feel postpartum.

We got settled in. James went and got us a pizza. Xander nursed for the first time. Once we were all cleaned up, measured, fed and squared away, we attempted to get some sleep.

Unfortunately, that's where things went downhill. But that story shall continue in another post. I would like to remember my triumphant delivery of Alexander Lee Holley independently of what followed. It was a wonderful, empowering birth.

To be continued...

Our Musical Nursery

Baby X is due in less than 8 weeks! People keep saying to me, "Wow, coming up fast!" To which my response is usually, "Not fast enough for me!" Mostly because I'm very excited to meet our newest munchkin. (Also because pregnancy sucks.)

James and I have had some serious back-and-forth debates about baby X's room. The biggest question mark has been his bed. Joel slept in our room in a pack & play for his first four months or so before transitioning to his crib in the nursery. I fully anticipate doing similarly with baby X, except that there is no crib waiting in the nursery for him.

Joel will be almost 18 months old when X comes. At the moment, Joel is nowhere close to being ready to transition out of his crib. Meaning that baby X won't be able have the crib for an undetermined period of time.

James and I debated maybe just getting a second crib. The one that we have, which we love, can become a toddler bed, and eventually serve as parts for an adult size bed as well. But this didn't seem to be the right solution for our future plans. So baby X gets to stay in the pack & play, whether in our room or his own, until Joel is ready to move to a big boy bed. Then baby X will inherit Joel's crib.

I decided to set up the nursery with the pack & play there, even though it will be moving into our room when the baby actually comes. This nursery is not as elaborate as what we put together in Utah for Joel, but the little details please me greatly nonetheless.

Baby X's nursery is music themed. While it's mostly just the basics in place, there are some fun touches that we have included:

Curtains

Thanks are due once again to my awesome mother, who created these curtains for baby X. From a distance, it's hard to tell, but up close, the fabric pops with colorful music notes! Super fun.

James and I are in love with this clock! It's not actually as hard to read the time as I feared it would be when we ordered it. It's beautiful, and we love the personal touch. :) You should know that we had a great debate over whether to use the baby's full name on the clock. But we already refer to him almost exclusively by the short version (he is baby X, after all, not baby A), so that's what went on the clock.

Last but not least is a little design of my own which I painted above the dresser. While it's not perfect, I am still very happy with how it turned out. Can you determine what the song is?

The only thing left to be added is to bring up my armchair from the living room, which will once again be a comfy spot for me and the baby to nurse. We're leaving it downstairs for a couple more weeks.

All in all, I am feeling much more prepared for baby X's arrival!

Holley House tour!

As I have mentioned before, I really enjoy unpacking. I have found that I am fairly unusual in this regard. There is something very satisfying, for me, in organizing and finding the new "homes" for all our belongings. In all of my past moves, I have never taken very long to unpack and get everything set up, and I didn't really expect this move to be very different.

That said, about three days into unpacking, James and I had gotten all the necessities squared away, and there was definitely a "hump" feeling--nothing else needed to be unpacked, and it would have been very, very easy to delay dealing with the rest. It certainly didn't help that the Little Monster sooooo enjoyed putting things back into the boxes as we tried to get everything out. It was at that point that I gave myself a deadline: every box to be unpacked by Saturday. Otherwise, I fully expected that we'd be moving some of the same, unpacked boxes three years from now when James graduates.

We did it! We weren't quite finished by Saturday, because we still had to hang some of the artwork around the house. And then I was just a slacker about taking photos of everything. But, at last, I get to present to you, the Holley House at Stoney Drive.

Exterior at sunset

Front door + little greeters

When you walk in our front door, you can go one of three directions. If you turn to the left, you will enter our comfy living room:

Living room (view from the front door)

TV in the living room, on the interior wall

Mantle (I love actually having a mantle for the first time in my life)

Living room (view from the kitchen)

Upon entering, if you turn to the right, you will enter our cute little sitting room. The previous owner used it as a formal dining room, but I am enjoying my little "formal" area very much. I would say this my second-favorite room in the house.

Sitting room (view from the front entryway)

Sitting room

If you proceed straight in from the front door, you will traverse a little hallway, with stairs to the right, and a half-bath to the left. You will then enter our kitchen!

Kitchen (view from the living room)

That doorway straight ahead leads into our garage. PS: Parking in a narrow one-car garage can be a little scary.

Just outside of the sliding glass door in the kitchen is our little covered porch, which we LOVE. It leads into the backyard.

View of the backyard from the porch

Our backyard

Incidentally, James and I have decided not to build a fence, which was our original plan. (The fence you can see in the pictures is actually our next-door neighbors'. Our yard is not fenced.) However, given the expense involved, and the fact that fences are actually really unpopular in our neighborhood, we reconsidered. Fortunately, Shadow doesn't tend to wander, and he minds well. Our children will be so young while we are here, that I don't really envision them playing outdoors unsupervised, which would be another reason to have one. It's a bit of a pain not being able to let Shadow out unsupervised, but it's working okay so far, so we're going with it for now.

Now, the upstairs!

Stairwell

At the top of our stairs is a small landing. Straight ahead is our laundry closet. To the right is Baby X's room, which shall remain unphotographed until I figure out what I'm doing with it. :P To the left is Joel's room!

Admittedly, we miss the ninja chibis very much. However, Joel still has a strong ninja theme going in his bedroom. It's a good-sized room, too, which is nice. We only decided to separate the boys' rooms because we have the space in this house, and might as well.

Down the hall from the boys' rooms is our guest bedroom. It's a bit full with all the furniture, but it works great as a guestroom.

So...if any of y'all want to come stay...you're invited!!!

If you go back down the hall, you'll pass the second bathroom (already known, in my mind, as the boys' bathroom). It is what I consider to be a standard bathroom.

Boys' bathroom

To be compared with our lovely master bathroom:

View from our bedroom

Dual sinks! This is a favorite feature of James'

MY GLORIOUS TUB

Huge walk-in closet, which you get to through the bathroom, which I find a little odd.

Re: the tub. So, I don't normally take many baths, EXCEPT when pregnant. Especially toward the end, my back just kills me, and hot baths really help. My parents have a jetted tub that I made frequent use of during my pregnancy with Joel. Knowing I would not longer have access to theirs, I was really hoping we could find a house with a nice big tub. (Our house in Orem had a standard tub: see the boys' bathroom for reference.) I am SO HAPPY with our tub! I have already used it a couple of times, and it's wonderful.

And, last but not least, our master bedroom. Easily my favorite room in the house.

View from the hallway

Our bedroom has taken over as our Taekwondo shrine, and it makes me pretty happy:

We got new sword racks so we didn't have to pound a gazillion holes into the wall. With 8 swords apiece on the wall, almost all of our swords are hung. ;)

That's about it! We are thoroughly enjoying our new home. It certainly has little quirks. But overall, it's feeling very comfortable for us. It's nice to feel as though we are settling in. It lets us start really figuring out our new life here in Durham!

Check!