In retrospect, I have to be glad that Xander came late. Last week, James happened to be on fall break. Of course, this time was supposed to be spent on his major writing assignment. Fortunately, his professor was very generous and gave him a week extension. Because not a lot of schoolwork happened during the first week of Xander's life. And I don't know what I would have done if James had not been there with me.
It was determined on Tuesday that he had indeed aspirated meconium, and based off his chest x-ray, the doctors were fairly certain that he had developed pneumonia, which is a common result. We were told that he was definitely going to be there for two days, but might end up staying a week, depending on his response to the treatment.
Xander spent all of Tuesday under the oxy hood. I asked, mid-morning, if there was any possibility of holding and maybe nursing him. At that point, I was told, it was important to maintain his "oxygen environment" under the hood, which meant no.
We were given a boarder room--basically somewhere we could crash and keep our stuff while at the hospital. This was helpful, as there is basically no free space in the NICU. There's barely room to pull a couple of chairs up to his little bedside.
The lactation consultant visited; she showed me how to use the hospital breast pump, and advised me on hand expressing my colostrum, since the pump isn't super effective at getting the thicker colostrum out. Although, it's been fantastic to use since my milk came in. SO much nicer than the little manual pump I have at home.
Late that evening, our home teacher came to the hospital to help James give Xander a priesthood blessing. To be honest, I'd never met our home teacher before, and James had only met him this past Sunday while in nursery with Joel. But I think it stands as a testament to the wonderful community of the church. We were so grateful that he came. The blessing brought James and I a great deal of comfort, and I felt that Xander's breathing seemed less labored afterward.
We decided to check out of the boarder room and go home that night. I knew that I needed rest, which I wasn't going to get much of there.
Between waking Monday morning and that point Tuesday evening, I had only
had about three hours of sleep, and had delivered a baby in the midst. But it was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving my baby at the hospital and going home without him. It just broke my heart.
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Sunday, October 26, 2014
A Treatise on Faith
Today I have been thinking about faith.
It started this morning at church. During my Relief Society meeting, we discussed Elder L. Tom Perry's talk, "Obedience through Our Faithfulness" from the April session of general conference. There are many great parts to Elder Perry's message. But I was especially struck by his thoughts on faith. He reminded us of Abraham, who was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his young son Isaac, for whom he and his wife Sarah had waited and so earnestly desired. Then Elder Perry said,
I have contemplated the story of Abraham, Sarah and Isaac before, but it hit me in a particularly poignant way this afternoon. First, I was struck by the thought of Sarah. Hebrews 11:11 says, "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."
The example of Sarah is most inspiring: her faith in the promise which she and her husband had received--her faith in the Lord who had given the promise--was surely tested in the many years that passed before she bore Isaac. I have not had to struggle with infertility, but I still identify with Sarah's longing for a child. I married at the age of 26; while the modern world would judge this as younger than average, in the Utah-Mormon culture, it is quite a bit older than the "norm." By the time James and I started dating, all of my close friends were already married, and most of them had a child (or three). It was hard, during those years, to not be married, when that was what I felt was expected of me, and more importantly, when that was what I so desperately wanted! I wanted to be married; I wanted children of my own. That said, I believe that having my little Joel brought me even more joy because of the time I spent in longing.
Which brings me to Abraham. Having Joel gives me a whole new perspective on what has always been an overwhelming idea. I cannot imagine being asked to sacrifice my own son. I cannot fathom the faith that it took for Abraham to obey the Lord's command. His trust in the Lord must have been absolute.
In comparison, I find myself so weak. I struggle with the little things that God has asked of me: reading my scriptures (let alone feasting upon them), daily prayers, service to my fellow men. If these simple things are a challenge, how could I hope to obey if the Lord commanded something greater of me?
During Relief Society, our teacher broke us into groups for discussion. My group was given the quote shown above, and then were asked to discuss times in our lives when we have had to exercise faith. My group began to discuss; one of the sisters immediately shared a personal story which indeed illustrated great faith on her part.
I struggled, in that moment, with what to say. There certainly have been moments in my life when I have had to exercise faith. But they felt so paltry just then. My past examples felt so weak! So irrelevant to my life right now. And that's when I received an impression: I am exercising faith right now.
My faith helps me to go to church each week, when it is often so hard for me.
I am faithful when I say little prayers in my mind on behalf of my son.
I exercise faith as I prepare for the future with my husband, facing so much uncertainty.
It was a moment of clarity for me. As I have pondered throughout the day, I have come to realize that faith isn't a matter of size. "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). The Apostle Paul also called faith "the substance of things hoped for" (Hebrews 11:1).
I love the use of the word "hope." I hope that God knows me, and loves me. I hope that I can find a solution to Joel being underweight, and that he will grow and be healthy. I hope that James will be get scholarships for law school, and that we'll find a good home, and that I won't be wretchedly lonely, and that we'll all be safe and happy wherever it is that we end up.
But there is a little more to it. Because, after all, "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also" (James 2:26). It is this quote from Elder Perry that has stuck with me all day:
My great realization of the day is this: the weakness that I felt earlier when I considered my faith was in fact a sense of my own passiveness. My faith is not weak. But I need to strengthen my works. I need to be more proactive in my obedience to God's will. Through doing so, I can receive the blessings of eternal life, promised by Elder Perry and so many other prophets throughout time. And what a wonderful promise it is!
If you made it this far, I congratulate you, and I thank you for reading. May God bless you and may His spirit be with you always.
Love,
Valerie
It started this morning at church. During my Relief Society meeting, we discussed Elder L. Tom Perry's talk, "Obedience through Our Faithfulness" from the April session of general conference. There are many great parts to Elder Perry's message. But I was especially struck by his thoughts on faith. He reminded us of Abraham, who was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his young son Isaac, for whom he and his wife Sarah had waited and so earnestly desired. Then Elder Perry said,
I still do not believe I fully comprehend Abraham’s faithfulness and obedience. Perhaps I can imagine him faithfully packing up to leave early one morning, but how did he take all those steps alongside his son Isaac over the three-day journey to the base of Mount Moriah? How did they carry the wood for the fire up the mountain? How did he build the altar? How did he bind Isaac and lay him on the altar? How did he explain to him that he would be the sacrifice? And how did he have the strength to lift the knife to slay his son? Abraham’s faith empowered him to follow God’s lead with exactness up until the miraculous moment when an angel called out from heaven, announcing to Abraham that he had passed his agonizing test. And then the angel of the Lord repeated the promise of the Abrahamic covenant.I recognize that the challenges associated with having faith in Jesus Christ and obedience will be more difficult for some than others... Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we have a unique premortal and mortal story. Accordingly, there are very few one-size-fits-all solutions. And so I fully recognize the trial-and-error nature of life and, most importantly, the constant need of [faith].
I have contemplated the story of Abraham, Sarah and Isaac before, but it hit me in a particularly poignant way this afternoon. First, I was struck by the thought of Sarah. Hebrews 11:11 says, "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."
The example of Sarah is most inspiring: her faith in the promise which she and her husband had received--her faith in the Lord who had given the promise--was surely tested in the many years that passed before she bore Isaac. I have not had to struggle with infertility, but I still identify with Sarah's longing for a child. I married at the age of 26; while the modern world would judge this as younger than average, in the Utah-Mormon culture, it is quite a bit older than the "norm." By the time James and I started dating, all of my close friends were already married, and most of them had a child (or three). It was hard, during those years, to not be married, when that was what I felt was expected of me, and more importantly, when that was what I so desperately wanted! I wanted to be married; I wanted children of my own. That said, I believe that having my little Joel brought me even more joy because of the time I spent in longing.
Which brings me to Abraham. Having Joel gives me a whole new perspective on what has always been an overwhelming idea. I cannot imagine being asked to sacrifice my own son. I cannot fathom the faith that it took for Abraham to obey the Lord's command. His trust in the Lord must have been absolute.
In comparison, I find myself so weak. I struggle with the little things that God has asked of me: reading my scriptures (let alone feasting upon them), daily prayers, service to my fellow men. If these simple things are a challenge, how could I hope to obey if the Lord commanded something greater of me?
During Relief Society, our teacher broke us into groups for discussion. My group was given the quote shown above, and then were asked to discuss times in our lives when we have had to exercise faith. My group began to discuss; one of the sisters immediately shared a personal story which indeed illustrated great faith on her part.
I struggled, in that moment, with what to say. There certainly have been moments in my life when I have had to exercise faith. But they felt so paltry just then. My past examples felt so weak! So irrelevant to my life right now. And that's when I received an impression: I am exercising faith right now.
My faith helps me to go to church each week, when it is often so hard for me.
I am faithful when I say little prayers in my mind on behalf of my son.
I exercise faith as I prepare for the future with my husband, facing so much uncertainty.
It was a moment of clarity for me. As I have pondered throughout the day, I have come to realize that faith isn't a matter of size. "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). The Apostle Paul also called faith "the substance of things hoped for" (Hebrews 11:1).
I love the use of the word "hope." I hope that God knows me, and loves me. I hope that I can find a solution to Joel being underweight, and that he will grow and be healthy. I hope that James will be get scholarships for law school, and that we'll find a good home, and that I won't be wretchedly lonely, and that we'll all be safe and happy wherever it is that we end up.
But there is a little more to it. Because, after all, "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also" (James 2:26). It is this quote from Elder Perry that has stuck with me all day:
Strong, proactive obedience is anything but weak or passive. It is the means by which we declare our faith in God and qualify ourselves to receive the powers of heaven. Obedience is a choice.
My great realization of the day is this: the weakness that I felt earlier when I considered my faith was in fact a sense of my own passiveness. My faith is not weak. But I need to strengthen my works. I need to be more proactive in my obedience to God's will. Through doing so, I can receive the blessings of eternal life, promised by Elder Perry and so many other prophets throughout time. And what a wonderful promise it is!
If you made it this far, I congratulate you, and I thank you for reading. May God bless you and may His spirit be with you always.
Love,
Valerie
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Pondering Service
I've been thinking about service lately. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, service to others has been a foundational principle I've heard about throughout my life. We are taught that charity is an attribute of Christ, and we seek to be like Him.
Service isn't something that comes automatically to me. I've known a handful of people in my life for whom charity seemed to be second nature. I've always admired those people, but for me, service is something I have to consciously think about--and something that all too often gets neglected in my life.
My visiting teachers came over this morning. (I have awesome visiting teachers right now, by the way. Love them.) We spent most of our time chatting, and for my part, enjoying the sight of my dog playing with my VT's young sons. At any rate, before they left, they shared a brief spiritual message with me. The main topic was about emulating Jesus Christ. But the part that stuck with me surrounds this quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
My biggest hangup is that I struggle figuring out how to serve. There have been a couple of moments in the past few weeks where I have felt an impulse to serve someone, but have been at a complete loss of how to go about it, and have proceeded to do nothing at all.
I think this was one of the Savior's truest gifts: he knew how to serve, and he did so without any thought to himself.
Now, I'm not totally hopeless. I fulfill my church callings gladly. I serve at my job, working each and every day to improve the lives of my students. I try to serve my husband and my family. But there is a part of me, especially of late, that craves more. My soul quietly nudges me. I long to find meaningful, selfless ways to lift up those around me, particularly those whom I sense are in need.
For instance: I have a dear friend who always seems to be struggling with something. Her husband was abusive. Fortunately he's no longer in the picture, but this means she is a single mother to three boys. Two years ago, their house burned down. They lost all of their belongings. Now she's struggling with foreclosure. Not to mention she's been having seizures and heart problems, so that's decreased her ability to work and medical bills are racking up. But this woman is so humble and so stubborn that she does not ask for help--she hardly even talks about the issues she is having, no matter how dire they seem to me.
So, this friend has been on my mind for awhile, but I haven't known how to help, so I have done nothing. And then yesterday, a mutual friend posted on Facebook--she's having a fundraiser, without our friend's knowledge, to help make a difference in the lives of our friend and her children. Brilliant, I thought. I wish I had come up with it!
How do you decide how to serve? Especially when you see someone who truly needs help, but who does not ask for aid? What acts of service have made a difference in your life? I crave your thoughts, my friends! I do not want to be stuck in nothing-land any more. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of those who need help, whether a little or a lot.
Service isn't something that comes automatically to me. I've known a handful of people in my life for whom charity seemed to be second nature. I've always admired those people, but for me, service is something I have to consciously think about--and something that all too often gets neglected in my life.
My visiting teachers came over this morning. (I have awesome visiting teachers right now, by the way. Love them.) We spent most of our time chatting, and for my part, enjoying the sight of my dog playing with my VT's young sons. At any rate, before they left, they shared a brief spiritual message with me. The main topic was about emulating Jesus Christ. But the part that stuck with me surrounds this quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
"You wonderful sisters render compassionate service to others for reasons that supersede desires for personal benefits. In this you emulate the Savior … His thoughts were always tuned to help others.”
My biggest hangup is that I struggle figuring out how to serve. There have been a couple of moments in the past few weeks where I have felt an impulse to serve someone, but have been at a complete loss of how to go about it, and have proceeded to do nothing at all.
I think this was one of the Savior's truest gifts: he knew how to serve, and he did so without any thought to himself.
Now, I'm not totally hopeless. I fulfill my church callings gladly. I serve at my job, working each and every day to improve the lives of my students. I try to serve my husband and my family. But there is a part of me, especially of late, that craves more. My soul quietly nudges me. I long to find meaningful, selfless ways to lift up those around me, particularly those whom I sense are in need.
For instance: I have a dear friend who always seems to be struggling with something. Her husband was abusive. Fortunately he's no longer in the picture, but this means she is a single mother to three boys. Two years ago, their house burned down. They lost all of their belongings. Now she's struggling with foreclosure. Not to mention she's been having seizures and heart problems, so that's decreased her ability to work and medical bills are racking up. But this woman is so humble and so stubborn that she does not ask for help--she hardly even talks about the issues she is having, no matter how dire they seem to me.
So, this friend has been on my mind for awhile, but I haven't known how to help, so I have done nothing. And then yesterday, a mutual friend posted on Facebook--she's having a fundraiser, without our friend's knowledge, to help make a difference in the lives of our friend and her children. Brilliant, I thought. I wish I had come up with it!
How do you decide how to serve? Especially when you see someone who truly needs help, but who does not ask for aid? What acts of service have made a difference in your life? I crave your thoughts, my friends! I do not want to be stuck in nothing-land any more. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of those who need help, whether a little or a lot.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Pregnancy Overload
I've debated a lot about posting pregnancy-stuff. I have watched some of my friends as they have gone through their pregnancies posting constantly on Facebook about being pregnant. And frankly, I find that annoying. I want to ask, "Did the rest of your life cease to exist for nine months?" Of course, many of these are the same mothers who proceed to post incessantly about their baby/toddler/preschooler/etc. "Did the entire Facebook community really need to know about your potty-training mishap today?" I think not.
This said, I have to concur that pregnancy is very consuming. I think about pregnancy/childbirth-related things a lot. A great deal of my brainpower is consumed with the process of becoming a mother.
And so I seek a middle ground. On Facebook, I allow myself an occasional pregnancy post. Most of them are related to large baby announcements, like discovering his gender. Every once in a while, if something really wacky happens (like experiencing heartburn for the first time in my life) I allow myself to comment upon it. However, it is important to me to intersperse these posts with those concerning other things. Because my life did not in fact cease to exist the moment I found out I was pregnant.
So, dear reader, I hope you'll forgive me, because I'm about to inundate you with a blog post -- an enormous post about my life being pregnant. I've been having a lot of thoughts that I've considered sharing, but have kept to myself (see above). I figure if I get them all out at once, perhaps they'll stop tickling the back of my brain!
Here goes.
Physical
Being pregnant is one of the weirdest experiences ever. On the one hand, it seems to go so slowly, that the changes are hardly noticeable at times. On the other hand, my body is literally changing every day, and then I have random moments where something is different and I can't figure out when that happened, except that I very suddenly have to adjust.
Dare I go into detail?
The first big thing was my breasts got bigger. Not that they needed it. I didn't actually notice the size difference at first--no, the first thing I noticed were some brand-new stretch marks. What the...? Fortunately they haven't grown again since the first couple of months. (Knock on wood.) But they also have been consistently, incredible tender, pretty much since week 6. These days, being cold makes them hurt even worse. With the winter chill, it has made for some fairly unpleasant moments.
My belly is growing, of course, but that part I actually kind of enjoy. It helps that I have a husband who makes a point to reassure me daily of his affection and attraction. :) I'm kind of in that questionable phase--James said the other day, "If I didn't already know, I would probably guess that you're pregnant, but I wouldn't say anything." I know it's a little weird, but I actually like looking pregnant, and I want to appear unquestionably so.
Morning sickness was definitely present. I kept banking on what everybody said about it going away after the first trimester, but I hit 15 weeks and it got worse. A lot worse. At that point, I caved and asked for some anti-nausea medication, which was a lifesaver. Fortunately the morning sickness (*biggest misnomer ever* by the way) has died down somewhat, but I still get random spikes of nausea. Like on Saturday, when I threw up my lunch with about 5 seconds of warning. (It was enough warning to dash to the nearest toilet, thank goodness.) My brother- and sister-in-law were here. It was awesome. :-/
I haven't had a ton of food cravings. My most consistent craving has been potatoes. It started about the time that we went on our cruise, and still strikes at random. Basically any form of potatoes, though depending on my mood: baked potatoes, french fries, funeral potatoes, potato chips, mashed potatoes, etc. I also desire chocolate on a regular basis, but that may or may not be pregnancy related...
Of course I've had the run of aches and pains. Days of headaches. A pain in my lower back that strikes only once I lay down for the night...every night. Round ligament stretching pain. Oh, and a very scary Thanksgiving night of contractions brought on by dehydration. Not the most awesome way to spend the holiday, I can tell you!
Right now I'm struggling with balance. You know, I teach and practice martial arts, so this is kind of a big deal at work. I hadn't really had any issues at the studio until last week. I was practicing my forms and could not stop falling over. Slow motion kicks the next day? What a joke! I don't know if my balance will be coming back or not. I hope so.
The aforementioned heartburn has only occurred twice so far, for which I am grateful. The funny thing was, I didn't actually know what it was (having never experienced heartburn before). After describing it to my husband, James identified it, and recommended getting some Tums. Hours later, I succumbed. Heartburn is so uncomfortable! Thankfully, the Tums did the trick. If it became a consistent issue, I might consider other options, but we're going with it for now.
Also? I sleep so much. I resisted at first, because it seemed pretty unnatural (and lazy) to spend 10 hours in bed at a time. But if I make myself get up earlier, I seriously struggle all day long. So I finally decided, "Hey, you know what? This pregnancy will probably be the only one where I'll actually be able to sleep this much. I'm taking advantage of it!"
The very best moments of my day are when Baby J kicks. If you ever catch me with a random, sappy little grin on my face, that's probably what's happening. Even more awesome are when James feels the kicks too. I think James likes to feel the baby kick mainly because it's an assurance that Baby J is well. For me, it's that, but it's also like a little voice is quietly saying, "Hi Mama! I love you!"
Emotional
I've been pretty fortunate, I think, on the emotional front. You hear the craziest stories about pregnant women! I've had a couple of weird moments, which mostly consist of periods of uncontrollable weeping. Like, right after we got Shadow, and he peed in the house. I totally lost it. In these moments, I'm mostly grateful for having an amazing husband, who just goes with it, holds me, and loves me despite my crazy hormones.
No nesting instincts quite yet. It was funny, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who is also pregnant, about 6 weeks behind me. She was saying how she wasn't going to be one of "those people" who starts decorating the nursery the moment she finds out she's pregnant. No, she's going to be sensible, and wait until she's at least 5 months pregnant. Then she'll start. I had to laugh, and told her so--because I'm 5 months pregnant right now, and I don't think we'll start decorating our nursery until February!
I'll admit to you that I'm really sensitive to babies and pregnant ladies right now. Like, when watching movies or reading books. I was reading yesterday about a woman who experienced multiple miscarriages, and right after I finished I went down to the office to sit with James (read: get an enormous hug from James because I was so emotional). His response? "Why do you read stories like that while you're pregnant??" Valid question.
Spiritual
I am in such a good place spiritually. I feel the immensity of the task before me -- being a mother! bringing a child of God into this crazy, horrifying world! -- and yet, I feel no fear. I guess in this sense I differentiate worry from fear. I worry about our children. I worry about providing for them. I worry about the things they will have to face in this life. But I am confident in my knowledge that together, as a family united with God, we will be able to handle whatever comes.
I am simply so excited to become a mother. I know to some of you, 27 doesn't seem like very old to become a parent. But I have been waiting for years for this time. Understand, most of my close friends married fairly young, and began having their families soon afterward. I was one of the last of my close friends to marry, and one of the last to start having children. I have watched their babies grow, with a deep longing in my heart. The longing is different now that I am pregnant, particularly because it is only a few months (interminable though they may seem) until I will hold my baby in my arms.
I feel a great deal of peace. I feel God's love for myself and my little family. I feel His blessings being poured upon us right now. I know, of course, that trials will strike, probably when least expected. But at this time, I am grateful to be enjoying this period of tranquility.
Other
James and I are in the midst of some significant decision-making: we are considering changing care providers for my delivery. I will probably post more about that once we actually make some decisions.
Can I just say that I find it bizarre how much women like to give advice to other women about pregnancy? I really hope I don't become one of these people. Even the women who preface their advice with, "I know you'll get a lot of pregnancy advice, but..." First of all, we have a little helpful tool called the internet. When bizarre prego things happen, that is my first resource. Secondly, if I really have a concern, I will turn to my midwife! For some strange reason, though, women seemingly can't help but share their experience, despite the fact that every pregnancy is different, even different pregnancies for the same individual. But I'm learning that all you can do is graciously thank people for their advice, because you will never, ever, stop receiving it.
It's also kind of odd to me how many people I know who are pregnant right now. It's seriously nuts. I could certainly list over a dozen just off the top of my head. Maybe two dozen. At first I got a little grumpy every time someone else I knew announced they were expecting. James gently rebuked me for this: "Are you the only one allowed to be pregnant right now?" I'll admit it was a selfish thing: I like being the center of attention sometimes, and I wanted the focus to be on ME! :-P Fortunately I've gotten over that batch of pique, so I can experience genuine happiness for my friends and family who share their news.
***
Whew. There it is. All my current thoughts on pregnancy. If you actually read all of that, I think you probably have too much time on your hands! But it is relieving to me to spill it all out here. So, look forward to non-pregnancy related posts in the future, and thanks for stopping by!
This said, I have to concur that pregnancy is very consuming. I think about pregnancy/childbirth-related things a lot. A great deal of my brainpower is consumed with the process of becoming a mother.
And so I seek a middle ground. On Facebook, I allow myself an occasional pregnancy post. Most of them are related to large baby announcements, like discovering his gender. Every once in a while, if something really wacky happens (like experiencing heartburn for the first time in my life) I allow myself to comment upon it. However, it is important to me to intersperse these posts with those concerning other things. Because my life did not in fact cease to exist the moment I found out I was pregnant.
So, dear reader, I hope you'll forgive me, because I'm about to inundate you with a blog post -- an enormous post about my life being pregnant. I've been having a lot of thoughts that I've considered sharing, but have kept to myself (see above). I figure if I get them all out at once, perhaps they'll stop tickling the back of my brain!
Here goes.
Physical
Being pregnant is one of the weirdest experiences ever. On the one hand, it seems to go so slowly, that the changes are hardly noticeable at times. On the other hand, my body is literally changing every day, and then I have random moments where something is different and I can't figure out when that happened, except that I very suddenly have to adjust.
Dare I go into detail?
The first big thing was my breasts got bigger. Not that they needed it. I didn't actually notice the size difference at first--no, the first thing I noticed were some brand-new stretch marks. What the...? Fortunately they haven't grown again since the first couple of months. (Knock on wood.) But they also have been consistently, incredible tender, pretty much since week 6. These days, being cold makes them hurt even worse. With the winter chill, it has made for some fairly unpleasant moments.
My belly is growing, of course, but that part I actually kind of enjoy. It helps that I have a husband who makes a point to reassure me daily of his affection and attraction. :) I'm kind of in that questionable phase--James said the other day, "If I didn't already know, I would probably guess that you're pregnant, but I wouldn't say anything." I know it's a little weird, but I actually like looking pregnant, and I want to appear unquestionably so.
Morning sickness was definitely present. I kept banking on what everybody said about it going away after the first trimester, but I hit 15 weeks and it got worse. A lot worse. At that point, I caved and asked for some anti-nausea medication, which was a lifesaver. Fortunately the morning sickness (*biggest misnomer ever* by the way) has died down somewhat, but I still get random spikes of nausea. Like on Saturday, when I threw up my lunch with about 5 seconds of warning. (It was enough warning to dash to the nearest toilet, thank goodness.) My brother- and sister-in-law were here. It was awesome. :-/
I haven't had a ton of food cravings. My most consistent craving has been potatoes. It started about the time that we went on our cruise, and still strikes at random. Basically any form of potatoes, though depending on my mood: baked potatoes, french fries, funeral potatoes, potato chips, mashed potatoes, etc. I also desire chocolate on a regular basis, but that may or may not be pregnancy related...
Of course I've had the run of aches and pains. Days of headaches. A pain in my lower back that strikes only once I lay down for the night...every night. Round ligament stretching pain. Oh, and a very scary Thanksgiving night of contractions brought on by dehydration. Not the most awesome way to spend the holiday, I can tell you!
Right now I'm struggling with balance. You know, I teach and practice martial arts, so this is kind of a big deal at work. I hadn't really had any issues at the studio until last week. I was practicing my forms and could not stop falling over. Slow motion kicks the next day? What a joke! I don't know if my balance will be coming back or not. I hope so.
The aforementioned heartburn has only occurred twice so far, for which I am grateful. The funny thing was, I didn't actually know what it was (having never experienced heartburn before). After describing it to my husband, James identified it, and recommended getting some Tums. Hours later, I succumbed. Heartburn is so uncomfortable! Thankfully, the Tums did the trick. If it became a consistent issue, I might consider other options, but we're going with it for now.
Also? I sleep so much. I resisted at first, because it seemed pretty unnatural (and lazy) to spend 10 hours in bed at a time. But if I make myself get up earlier, I seriously struggle all day long. So I finally decided, "Hey, you know what? This pregnancy will probably be the only one where I'll actually be able to sleep this much. I'm taking advantage of it!"
The very best moments of my day are when Baby J kicks. If you ever catch me with a random, sappy little grin on my face, that's probably what's happening. Even more awesome are when James feels the kicks too. I think James likes to feel the baby kick mainly because it's an assurance that Baby J is well. For me, it's that, but it's also like a little voice is quietly saying, "Hi Mama! I love you!"
Emotional
I've been pretty fortunate, I think, on the emotional front. You hear the craziest stories about pregnant women! I've had a couple of weird moments, which mostly consist of periods of uncontrollable weeping. Like, right after we got Shadow, and he peed in the house. I totally lost it. In these moments, I'm mostly grateful for having an amazing husband, who just goes with it, holds me, and loves me despite my crazy hormones.
No nesting instincts quite yet. It was funny, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who is also pregnant, about 6 weeks behind me. She was saying how she wasn't going to be one of "those people" who starts decorating the nursery the moment she finds out she's pregnant. No, she's going to be sensible, and wait until she's at least 5 months pregnant. Then she'll start. I had to laugh, and told her so--because I'm 5 months pregnant right now, and I don't think we'll start decorating our nursery until February!
I'll admit to you that I'm really sensitive to babies and pregnant ladies right now. Like, when watching movies or reading books. I was reading yesterday about a woman who experienced multiple miscarriages, and right after I finished I went down to the office to sit with James (read: get an enormous hug from James because I was so emotional). His response? "Why do you read stories like that while you're pregnant??" Valid question.
Spiritual
I am in such a good place spiritually. I feel the immensity of the task before me -- being a mother! bringing a child of God into this crazy, horrifying world! -- and yet, I feel no fear. I guess in this sense I differentiate worry from fear. I worry about our children. I worry about providing for them. I worry about the things they will have to face in this life. But I am confident in my knowledge that together, as a family united with God, we will be able to handle whatever comes.
I am simply so excited to become a mother. I know to some of you, 27 doesn't seem like very old to become a parent. But I have been waiting for years for this time. Understand, most of my close friends married fairly young, and began having their families soon afterward. I was one of the last of my close friends to marry, and one of the last to start having children. I have watched their babies grow, with a deep longing in my heart. The longing is different now that I am pregnant, particularly because it is only a few months (interminable though they may seem) until I will hold my baby in my arms.
I feel a great deal of peace. I feel God's love for myself and my little family. I feel His blessings being poured upon us right now. I know, of course, that trials will strike, probably when least expected. But at this time, I am grateful to be enjoying this period of tranquility.
Other
James and I are in the midst of some significant decision-making: we are considering changing care providers for my delivery. I will probably post more about that once we actually make some decisions.
Can I just say that I find it bizarre how much women like to give advice to other women about pregnancy? I really hope I don't become one of these people. Even the women who preface their advice with, "I know you'll get a lot of pregnancy advice, but..." First of all, we have a little helpful tool called the internet. When bizarre prego things happen, that is my first resource. Secondly, if I really have a concern, I will turn to my midwife! For some strange reason, though, women seemingly can't help but share their experience, despite the fact that every pregnancy is different, even different pregnancies for the same individual. But I'm learning that all you can do is graciously thank people for their advice, because you will never, ever, stop receiving it.
It's also kind of odd to me how many people I know who are pregnant right now. It's seriously nuts. I could certainly list over a dozen just off the top of my head. Maybe two dozen. At first I got a little grumpy every time someone else I knew announced they were expecting. James gently rebuked me for this: "Are you the only one allowed to be pregnant right now?" I'll admit it was a selfish thing: I like being the center of attention sometimes, and I wanted the focus to be on ME! :-P Fortunately I've gotten over that batch of pique, so I can experience genuine happiness for my friends and family who share their news.
***
Whew. There it is. All my current thoughts on pregnancy. If you actually read all of that, I think you probably have too much time on your hands! But it is relieving to me to spill it all out here. So, look forward to non-pregnancy related posts in the future, and thanks for stopping by!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
General Conference moments
A friend of mine posted the other day that she loves October General Conference because it feels like the first holiday of the season, and I couldn't agree more. Part of it is the break from routine (including the regular church routine), part of it is eating yummy food (though I kind of slacked on that part this time around), and part of it is the family time.
Conference this weekend was pretty mellow for James and I. We watched the four main sessions at home. I think James would have watched the priesthood session at home too, now that it's an option, except that his family invited us over for priesthood session/girls night, and we obliged.
But you know, there was something kind of special about watching conference this way, this time. In the past, I have often watched with friends and family, at various locations. But this time, I really treasured watching conference in my home, with my family--all four of us, as we like to say. :)
I found several talks of great meaning to me. I would like to highlight a few.
First, President Uchtdorf's talk yesterday. I have had several friend in recent years decide to leave the Church, for various reasons. On the one hand, it breaks my heart that they make this choice. But on the other hand, I have hated watch them bear judgment and be ostracized because of that choice. So when President Uchtdorf cautioned us that the reasons for leaving the church are many and complex, and that we should not pass judgment, a part of me rejoiced. But then I felt even more strongly when he cautioned all of us concerning our own questions and doubts.
This morning, I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure what he was actually talking about, but I had a really profound moment in the midst of him speaking. He was talking about his parents' marriage at the time, when suddenly, in the moment of clarity, I felt so strongly the truth of eternal marriage. I looked over at James, and I knew that we are going to be together forever. I know that's like, "duh, Valerie, you knew that already" and you're right, I did. It's hard to express realizations like this, so I'll just reiterate that in that moment, it was exceptionally profound.
And of course, I always enjoy listening to President Monson. James and I wept while listening to him talk about his departed wife, and his testimony that they would be together again. What I have always enjoyed most about President Monson is his love for the members and his sense of humor. I cannot get over hearing about people who call him 'Tommy Monson.' I swear it makes me smile every time, because I just can't imagine referring to the Prophet that way. But that is why I love him, this dear Prophet of ours who can make me cry and smile and laugh and make my heart burn with the Spirit all in the same 10 minutes.
It's also poignant to realize that at the next General Conference, we will be preparing for (or maybe already have) a new baby. The talks about family all seemed to be just for me this time around!
Conference this weekend was pretty mellow for James and I. We watched the four main sessions at home. I think James would have watched the priesthood session at home too, now that it's an option, except that his family invited us over for priesthood session/girls night, and we obliged.
But you know, there was something kind of special about watching conference this way, this time. In the past, I have often watched with friends and family, at various locations. But this time, I really treasured watching conference in my home, with my family--all four of us, as we like to say. :)
I found several talks of great meaning to me. I would like to highlight a few.
First, President Uchtdorf's talk yesterday. I have had several friend in recent years decide to leave the Church, for various reasons. On the one hand, it breaks my heart that they make this choice. But on the other hand, I have hated watch them bear judgment and be ostracized because of that choice. So when President Uchtdorf cautioned us that the reasons for leaving the church are many and complex, and that we should not pass judgment, a part of me rejoiced. But then I felt even more strongly when he cautioned all of us concerning our own questions and doubts.
 |
| This graphic popped up on Facebook practically before the session was over. I'm not normally one for reposting stuff like this, but I loved the quote so much, I couldn't help myself. |
This morning, I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure what he was actually talking about, but I had a really profound moment in the midst of him speaking. He was talking about his parents' marriage at the time, when suddenly, in the moment of clarity, I felt so strongly the truth of eternal marriage. I looked over at James, and I knew that we are going to be together forever. I know that's like, "duh, Valerie, you knew that already" and you're right, I did. It's hard to express realizations like this, so I'll just reiterate that in that moment, it was exceptionally profound.
And of course, I always enjoy listening to President Monson. James and I wept while listening to him talk about his departed wife, and his testimony that they would be together again. What I have always enjoyed most about President Monson is his love for the members and his sense of humor. I cannot get over hearing about people who call him 'Tommy Monson.' I swear it makes me smile every time, because I just can't imagine referring to the Prophet that way. But that is why I love him, this dear Prophet of ours who can make me cry and smile and laugh and make my heart burn with the Spirit all in the same 10 minutes.
It's also poignant to realize that at the next General Conference, we will be preparing for (or maybe already have) a new baby. The talks about family all seemed to be just for me this time around!
Friday, October 4, 2013
God truly cares about me!
I have just had one of the most spiritual moments in my life. As Valerie could tell you, I've been stressing over school work recently, particularly a program assignment for one of my Computer Science classes. I've been struggling with this assignment all week, and it came to a head today, the day the assignment was due.
I started working on this program this morning, and made slow but steady progress throughout the morning. However, around 1:30, I hit a brick wall. I have never been so utterly stymied in anything I've worked on in school, but this one did it. I worked all the way through my 2:00 class and through my leadership class at Taekwondo, fortunate that I have a loving wife to take care of my Leadership responsibilities for today.
The clock kept ticking, and I grew more and more frantic. I had combed my code multiple times, and just couldn't figure out what the matter was. It got to a point where I was *this* close to a nervous breakdown, and I finally turned to the Lord in full. I had uttered some small prayers throughout the day to help me out, and had felt His presence guiding me, but the time for small prayers was over. I gave myself over completely to the Lord, begging him for guidance and direction, admitting that I couldn't do this alone.
I finished my prayer, and waited for an answer. Eventually, I felt I should check a particular section of code I thought I had already combed thoroughly. However, I did look again, and lo and behold, the missing code was staring me in the face! I was able to complete the program for full marks and pass it off on time.
Now, I know that there are some who would read this and say it's merely a coincidence. I assure you, dear readers, that I was certain of that part of my code being acceptable, all the errors pointed to a completely different section of my program, and I almost certainly would not have thought to look at the faulty section. It is my testimony and firm belief this was no coincidence, that God helped me through this struggle, and that He did so because he loves me. It is my prayer that my faith will continue to grow, and that my experience will be an example for others who wonder if God listens and loves us. I know that He does!
James R. Holley
I started working on this program this morning, and made slow but steady progress throughout the morning. However, around 1:30, I hit a brick wall. I have never been so utterly stymied in anything I've worked on in school, but this one did it. I worked all the way through my 2:00 class and through my leadership class at Taekwondo, fortunate that I have a loving wife to take care of my Leadership responsibilities for today.
The clock kept ticking, and I grew more and more frantic. I had combed my code multiple times, and just couldn't figure out what the matter was. It got to a point where I was *this* close to a nervous breakdown, and I finally turned to the Lord in full. I had uttered some small prayers throughout the day to help me out, and had felt His presence guiding me, but the time for small prayers was over. I gave myself over completely to the Lord, begging him for guidance and direction, admitting that I couldn't do this alone.
I finished my prayer, and waited for an answer. Eventually, I felt I should check a particular section of code I thought I had already combed thoroughly. However, I did look again, and lo and behold, the missing code was staring me in the face! I was able to complete the program for full marks and pass it off on time.
Now, I know that there are some who would read this and say it's merely a coincidence. I assure you, dear readers, that I was certain of that part of my code being acceptable, all the errors pointed to a completely different section of my program, and I almost certainly would not have thought to look at the faulty section. It is my testimony and firm belief this was no coincidence, that God helped me through this struggle, and that He did so because he loves me. It is my prayer that my faith will continue to grow, and that my experience will be an example for others who wonder if God listens and loves us. I know that He does!
James R. Holley
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