New Year Poster 2017

Welcome to our annual New Year's event at the Holley House!

Every year, we create a poster, and upon said document, we enumerate various goals that we hope to accomplish in the forthcoming year. (2016, 2015, 2014, which also lists 2013's goals.) The rules for our poster is that the goals have to be achievable in one year, and that they must be quantifiable--they have to be things that we can measure and check off. Let's review our goals from 2016:

James:

He obtained jobs for both his first and second summer (we're excited to be spending this upcoming summer in Utah!) He read 9 new books this year, so he's increased his goal next year to make up for the one he missed. He successfully changed the oil in both our vehicles, he read the Book of Mormon, and he joined the Duke Journal of Constitutional Law and Public Policy, which he is thoroughly enjoying.

Valerie:

I did not referee at the state championships this year (it was an overwhelming logistical nightmare, with a breastfeeding baby at the time, so I gave that one up). I read more than 5 new books this year. I successfully posted a photography blog each month this year. I read the Book of Mormon and taught Joel the alphabet. I also won NaNoWriMo and Camp NaNo in the summer, which was awesome.

Family:

We went on two family camping trips this year, as well as our trip to Washington D.C. We totally failed on making handmade blankets. :( We took Joel and Xander to two different zoos. We went on a date every week this year. We did attend the temple three times each, though one of those visits a piece were solo trips.

And now, for our 2017 goals!

Yes, it's blue. It was the only posterboard I could find at the time.

This is our first year including the children on our poster. We did talk to Joel about his goals, as far as he understands, but Xander's is definitely something we've chosen for him. It will be fun to include them more in this process as they get older. Presenting our goals:

James:
-Get a job for after school
-Lose 20 pounds
-Camp NaNoWriMo
-Read 11 new books (at least 3 non-fiction)
-Create a handmade item to donate to charity
-Daily scripture study of at least five minutes (He has committed to tracking this elsewhere.)

Joel:
-Read a book
-Potty train

Xander:
-Learn the alphabet

Valerie:
-Complete "The Seventh Guardian"
-Lose 20lbs
-Complete the 100 Poomsae Challenge
-Read the New Testament
-Win NaNoWriMo
-Complete a 52-week photography challenge
-Read 6 new books

Family:
-Create a budget
-Family camping trip
-Attend the temple 5 times
-Walk Shadow twice weekly
-Go on a date each week
-Practice taekwondo at home 2 hours per week


Obviously we have some repeats. Some of our goals, like attending the temple and going on dates, are so important for us to continue and hold ourselves accountable for. Some of our goals come from things we find ourselves slacking on, like walking our dog and losing weight. And some of our goals are true aspirations that we hope to achieve in the coming year.

For me personally, I'd consider my "big" goal of the year to be finishing my book. It's been a long time coming. If you look through our posters of yester-years, you'll see that it's been a goal of mine for a long time. Between new motherhood and post-partum depression, my progress on the book has been wretched, up until the past six months or so. But I am now ready and committed to finishing "The Seventh Guardian." I've set the goal with Sam, my co-author, to finish the first draft by summer. It's going to take a lot of my time and energy over the next few months, and I am excited for the challenge.

Camp NaNoWriMo

If you haven't ever heard of it, National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo) takes place each November. Aspiring novelists all over the world embark on an epic quest to pen 50,000 words in 30 days. Camp NaNoWriMo is a less formal version that takes place during the summer, this year in July. I am excited to participate!

I have done NaNoWriMo as well as the Camp version many times in the past. (Every year from 2006-2013!) In fact, portions of both my published novels were composed as NaNo projects. I love the motivation and support that NaNoWriMo provides. There's an incredible energy to it.

The past couple of years I have skipped NaNoWriMo, because I had a couple of babies. :P Seriously, though, I never imagined, before having kids, how much it would affect my writing.

A) Raising little boys takes up a lot of time and energy. During my formerly-most productive times of day, I now either have little boys to care for, or I'm exhausted from caring for said kidlets.
B) Post-partum depression seriously affects my creative energy.

I read an article a few months ago by an author who declared that sometimes mom-writers mistake writer's block for what is really PPD. This article was a real turning point for me. Previously, I have felt really guilty and/or frustrated with myself when I have struggled to work on my books. I mean, writing novels is supposed to be fun, right? But while battling depression, doing anything creative feels a lot like pulling teeth.

It's hard because I know a number of people have been waiting for mine and Sam's third book for a long time. I get asked periodically when the trilogy will be completed. It's hard to admit to my readers, whom I want so desperately to please, that I simply haven't written anything in months. That I haven't wanted to write. That I haven't really been able to write.

Happily, the fog of depression is beginning to lift. This happened about a year after Joel was born, so I'm excited to been feeling a bit more like myself only 8 months after Xander's birth. I still struggle some days, but I actually feel like I can commit to Camp NaNoWriMo this time around.

Camp begins on July 1st. My goal is to write 30,000 words. Or more! Since I have already 33k written in Buk Tri ("book three" of our Seventh Empire series), this should put me around one-third complete, if the third book is similar in length to the other two. And hopefully it will get me back into the habit of writing consistently, so that we can get this thing done! Wish me luck!

#SAHM

I am embarking on a journey. I don't quite know where it will lead, but I am hoping that it will be helpful and healing.

A few months ago, my friend Tierra started posting a photo a day with the hashtag #sahm. (Stay at home mom.) For the first little while, I found her photos fun; another cute picture of her son, or whatever. But about a month in, she posted this explanation of why she was posting everyday. It helped her fight with depression.

The photos took on a lot more meaning. I really love seeing them. They're not always happy. But they are honest. I love her candid descriptions of how some days just suck. Her posts have been really resonating with me.



Depression bears a lot of stigma. Perhaps less than it once did. And people so often don't know how to respond, even when they are trying to be helpful. It's been hard for me to talk about with anyone.

This past summer, I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. To be honest, I think I have been dealing with depression since I was a teenager, but pregnancy and postpartum make it much, much worse.

Up until we moved to North Carolina, I worked part time, teaching taekwondo. On bad days, it was hard to summon the energy and enthusiasm to teach class. But really, I think taekwondo helped stave off the depression somewhat. A) physical exercise B) social outlet + adult conversation C) time away from my baby.

Since we moved, I have become a full-time SAHM. And I have never felt so isolated in my life. James is wonderful, but he is only one person. He cannot fill the void of my family, friends, students and peers. And he is in law school. It's a bit time-intensive. (Plus, we don't have our wonderful parents and siblings close by, willing to babysit. I can count on my hand how many baby-free dates we've had since moving.)

This leaves me alone with our little children much of the time. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly, and I am grateful that I am able to be at home with them. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days, I feel good and enjoy my babies. But some days, I feel lonely/sad/angry/anxious/exhausted/guilty/overwhelmed/self-loathing/impatient/worried/weepy/indifferent/destructive/panicked/numb/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated.

Facebook is my primary means of staying connected with friends. But Facebook has been hard for me lately. I believe in being genuine. I never post happy things if I'm not happy. Sometimes that means I simply don't post for long stretches of time (for me) because I can't find anything happy to post about. But that's not really being genuine either--and that's how I have arrived here.

I need to communicate my reality. So, I intend to post every day with the hashtag #sahm. These posts may or may not be "happy" but they will be real. I don't know yet if it will help me. But I feel strongly that communicating is better than staying silent. If my posts bother you, feel free to unfollow me.

Please, above all else, please do not post suggestions on how better to manage my depression. Recommending "solutions" is hurtful, and sometimes offensive. I am working with my care providers to manage my disorder. From you, I simply need understanding and encouragement. For that, I would be very grateful.

Thankful Things

Thanksgiving is definitely a bit different for us this year. We are spending it at home, just the four of us (plus Shadow :D). Actually, I've been really looking forward to it. We're planning to play movies all day, hang out, maybe play games, and of course, stuff our faces! While I love our families, it will be nice, in it's way, not to try and balance spending time with everyone over the break, but just be able to relax in our home. (Though James does have to study, naturally.)

I always like to reflect, at this time of the year, on the things for which I am grateful. I try to be mindful of these things on a regular basis, but Thanksgiving is a special opportunity to really sit down and ponder my blessings.

The other day, as I was thinking about Thanksgiving, I gave myself a little challenge. I decided to try and see how many Thankful Things I could list in 3 minutes. It was kind of fun to rattle them off. I used the voice recorder on my phone, which is why the formatting is non-existent. Here's what I came up with:

my husband my children my home my dog
the church prayer the atonement my Savior
baby smiles 

new words that Joel says 

Joel's laugh 

toddler snuggles
shadows funny run when he's excited
my parents and all my family and my in-laws

adoption the Jacksons the Walleses
all my friends, new and old

playgroup, for me and for Joel

my ability to play the piano and having one in my home
music in general

taekwondo, but I miss it
beautiful photographs of my family
my good health
Christmas
all holidays, really
vacations
our financial circumstances

being able to stay home with our children

my education
James's education, ongoing
my possessions, which I enjoy so much
books and stories and movies

playing Magic the Gathering with James
the Internet
my GPS, or otherwise I wouldn't be able to go anywhere

The order here should in no way indicate degrees of importance. :P Really, this was just me rattling off things as quickly as I could think of them, which is why there are some less-than-serious notations. 

What it really made me realize is the magnitude of my blessings. These were what I could think of in three minutes, and I wasn't done. I could have gone on for another three minutes, and probably much longer.

Life is hard. I have struggled somewhat of late. Adjusting to a new baby in the house. Sleep deprivation. Postpartum blues. Two essentially helpless little people constantly in need of my attention. Taking more than twice as long to get out of the house. Breastfeeding the baby every two hours, feeling chained to him. Postpartum body woes (aka daily wardrobe crises). It can all be overwhelming at times.

But then I consider this list of Thankful Things, and the weight lifts a little. While the challenges I face are real, it is a comfort to remember the things for which I am grateful. It doesn't make the struggles any easier, necessarily. But it helps me rise to meet them.

I hope that you all have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. And I hope you know that I am grateful for you.

NICU Day 3 / Transition

To my surprise and delight, when I went into the NICU at 8am on Thursday morning, I found Xander off oxygen and IV fluids. The nurse had taken him off about an hour before, and he was doing great!

James came to the hospital shortly thereafter. We were told that if Xander continued to do well off oxygen and IV fluids, that he would probably be transferred out of the NICU and into the regular pediatrics unit, where he could finish his 7-day course of antibiotics. After visiting with Xander for awhile that morning, James took me home for a few hours to refresh and spend some time with Joel.

Side bar: Last Saturday, partially as a diversion from STILL being pregnant, and partially as something we'd already been planning to do, we went to For Garden's Sake (a charming nursery that we fell in love with this summer) to pick out a shade tree for our yard. We fell in love with this Shumard Oak, which James planted on Thursday afternoon.

While at home, we got the call we'd been hoping for--Xander had been moved to pediatrics! Yay! We finished with the tree, then returned to the hospital.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the move had upset the stability Xander had achieved in the NICU. We were pretty disappointed to find him back on oxygen support by the time we arrived.

Still, the children's unit was a HUGE improvement, especially when it came to OUR comfort. Xander had a large private room, with a bathroom and shower, and a pull-out couch. Also, the policy for visitors was much more relaxed. In the NICU, only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, which had made it virtually impossible for Joel to come. So we planned for Joel to visit the next day.

James had planned on sleeping at our house that night, while I spent the night with Xander. But I'll be honest, I had a total emotional breakdown that night. I think the weight of everything happening, plus the postpartum hormones hitting me, contributed to me becoming a weepy mess. So James ended up driving all the way back to spend the night with me. I have the best husband in the world!