#SAHM

I am embarking on a journey. I don't quite know where it will lead, but I am hoping that it will be helpful and healing.

A few months ago, my friend Tierra started posting a photo a day with the hashtag #sahm. (Stay at home mom.) For the first little while, I found her photos fun; another cute picture of her son, or whatever. But about a month in, she posted this explanation of why she was posting everyday. It helped her fight with depression.

The photos took on a lot more meaning. I really love seeing them. They're not always happy. But they are honest. I love her candid descriptions of how some days just suck. Her posts have been really resonating with me.



Depression bears a lot of stigma. Perhaps less than it once did. And people so often don't know how to respond, even when they are trying to be helpful. It's been hard for me to talk about with anyone.

This past summer, I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. To be honest, I think I have been dealing with depression since I was a teenager, but pregnancy and postpartum make it much, much worse.

Up until we moved to North Carolina, I worked part time, teaching taekwondo. On bad days, it was hard to summon the energy and enthusiasm to teach class. But really, I think taekwondo helped stave off the depression somewhat. A) physical exercise B) social outlet + adult conversation C) time away from my baby.

Since we moved, I have become a full-time SAHM. And I have never felt so isolated in my life. James is wonderful, but he is only one person. He cannot fill the void of my family, friends, students and peers. And he is in law school. It's a bit time-intensive. (Plus, we don't have our wonderful parents and siblings close by, willing to babysit. I can count on my hand how many baby-free dates we've had since moving.)

This leaves me alone with our little children much of the time. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly, and I am grateful that I am able to be at home with them. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days, I feel good and enjoy my babies. But some days, I feel lonely/sad/angry/anxious/exhausted/guilty/overwhelmed/self-loathing/impatient/worried/weepy/indifferent/destructive/panicked/numb/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated.

Facebook is my primary means of staying connected with friends. But Facebook has been hard for me lately. I believe in being genuine. I never post happy things if I'm not happy. Sometimes that means I simply don't post for long stretches of time (for me) because I can't find anything happy to post about. But that's not really being genuine either--and that's how I have arrived here.

I need to communicate my reality. So, I intend to post every day with the hashtag #sahm. These posts may or may not be "happy" but they will be real. I don't know yet if it will help me. But I feel strongly that communicating is better than staying silent. If my posts bother you, feel free to unfollow me.

Please, above all else, please do not post suggestions on how better to manage my depression. Recommending "solutions" is hurtful, and sometimes offensive. I am working with my care providers to manage my disorder. From you, I simply need understanding and encouragement. For that, I would be very grateful.

Balance

I value balance.

Proportion. Moderation in all things. Harmony.

I have numerous examples. Food, for instance. I see so many people go to extremes. You've got the one end--people who eat fast food, microwave dinners, and processed foods almost exclusively. But you've got the other end--people who are so determined to eat healthy that they deny their taste buds any pleasure whatsoever. Most people fall somewhere in between, with various justifications for their choices

Work is easy to get out of balance. You've got workaholics--those who work a ton, but even when they're not AT work, they're still thinking about it. And you've got those who avoid work like the plague, who try to get away with as little work as possible. And everything in between. For some it's a passion, for some it's a chore.

Facebook is another area where I see a lot of imbalance. Do you ever scroll through people's Facebook profiles? (I'm kinda a FB stalker sometimes.) You'll see people who incessantly post complaints. You've got people whose profiles are like billboards for companies, products, or ideas that they are obsessed over. There are people who seem to repost every single thing that they find even slightly amusing. You've got the photo people, the ones who post an absurd amount of photos, usually on a theme, whether it's food, or their kid, or their cat, what have you. And you've got people who never post anything at all.

Balance.

I find that when I get wrapped up in any one thing, I suffer. If I get too wrapped up in work, my social life suffers. If I get too wrapped up with healthy eating, I don't feel as satisfied with life. If I post too much about one thing on Facebook, I find that I am boring or annoying to others. If I get too wrapped up in my own goals, I am less able to serve others.

When I am feeling stressed, bored, or dissatisfied in any way, after some study I usually find that some part of my life is out of balance. Don't get me wrong, I like excitement in my life. But my true happiness, my true contentment, comes when the important pieces of my world are all in harmony.