#SAHM

I am embarking on a journey. I don't quite know where it will lead, but I am hoping that it will be helpful and healing.

A few months ago, my friend Tierra started posting a photo a day with the hashtag #sahm. (Stay at home mom.) For the first little while, I found her photos fun; another cute picture of her son, or whatever. But about a month in, she posted this explanation of why she was posting everyday. It helped her fight with depression.

The photos took on a lot more meaning. I really love seeing them. They're not always happy. But they are honest. I love her candid descriptions of how some days just suck. Her posts have been really resonating with me.



Depression bears a lot of stigma. Perhaps less than it once did. And people so often don't know how to respond, even when they are trying to be helpful. It's been hard for me to talk about with anyone.

This past summer, I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. To be honest, I think I have been dealing with depression since I was a teenager, but pregnancy and postpartum make it much, much worse.

Up until we moved to North Carolina, I worked part time, teaching taekwondo. On bad days, it was hard to summon the energy and enthusiasm to teach class. But really, I think taekwondo helped stave off the depression somewhat. A) physical exercise B) social outlet + adult conversation C) time away from my baby.

Since we moved, I have become a full-time SAHM. And I have never felt so isolated in my life. James is wonderful, but he is only one person. He cannot fill the void of my family, friends, students and peers. And he is in law school. It's a bit time-intensive. (Plus, we don't have our wonderful parents and siblings close by, willing to babysit. I can count on my hand how many baby-free dates we've had since moving.)

This leaves me alone with our little children much of the time. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly, and I am grateful that I am able to be at home with them. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days, I feel good and enjoy my babies. But some days, I feel lonely/sad/angry/anxious/exhausted/guilty/overwhelmed/self-loathing/impatient/worried/weepy/indifferent/destructive/panicked/numb/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated.

Facebook is my primary means of staying connected with friends. But Facebook has been hard for me lately. I believe in being genuine. I never post happy things if I'm not happy. Sometimes that means I simply don't post for long stretches of time (for me) because I can't find anything happy to post about. But that's not really being genuine either--and that's how I have arrived here.

I need to communicate my reality. So, I intend to post every day with the hashtag #sahm. These posts may or may not be "happy" but they will be real. I don't know yet if it will help me. But I feel strongly that communicating is better than staying silent. If my posts bother you, feel free to unfollow me.

Please, above all else, please do not post suggestions on how better to manage my depression. Recommending "solutions" is hurtful, and sometimes offensive. I am working with my care providers to manage my disorder. From you, I simply need understanding and encouragement. For that, I would be very grateful.

Mental Illnesses, Ignorance and Insensitivity

I was browsing Facebook today when I came across the following post and resultant comment, and I quote: 

Antidepressants are about as effective as a placebo and therapy is just as effective as talking to a friend. 
hahaha. amazing.  The problem with that is a lot of depressed people don't have friends to talk to and need to be re-socialized in order to help with their depression. 

You have GOT to be kidding me. Here we are in the year 2015, and people still act as though depression is something that doesn't often need life-saving medication, that it can be fixed simply by socializing with people, that you just need to cheer up and stop being so depressed, and if you don't cheer up, it's your own darn fault you're depressed! I would wager everything I own that this mindset, when inflicted on people suffering from depression, causes more suicide and self-destruction than any of us would like to see.

See, here's the thing: Depression in the medical sense does NOT refer to "the blues" or "feeling down." No, the mental illness named depression is largely rooted in the brain's biology. I must admit that I don't have the background necessary to understand exactly what goes into it all, but then again, neither does any one of the people who spew absolute garbage on the subject, so at least I'm not alone. Suffice it to say that there is a strong scientific consensus that clinical depression is largely due to chemical balances in the brain that are entirely out of any individual's control. Telling someone with depression to just "go do something fun" or "think about cheerful things" is effectively equivalent to telling a woman with terminal breast cancer that she can wish her cancer away by being optimistic, with the implication being that she basically deserves to die of the cancer if she doesn't fix it all by herself.

I know people very close to me that suffer/suffered from both clinical depression and postpartum depression, yet another form of depression that is very much dependent on chemicals outside our control. I know for a fact that at least one of these people did not ever take antidepressants because others convinced them that they didn't need pills, they just needed to have a better attitude about things. I honestly feel sometimes that people who say or think such things should get struck with such an illness so I can tell them to "just be happy."

On a somewhat similar note, I want to talk about plain old insensitivity regarding mental illnesses. Most of you don't know this, but I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) shortly after returning home from my mission. It is something that I have severely struggled with for some time, and it just drives me mad that people joke and giggle about how "OCD" they are and how quirky "OCD" people are. For people that wash their hands so frequently that they turn bloody, for people that are always late because they MUST quadruple check every door, for people that are driven to panic if they don't touch things in a specific order, I'm fairly certain that such jokes are about as funny as AIDS jokes are to those dying of complications from said disease. They certainly aren't funny to me; I suffer from the obsessive side of OCD and not the compulsive, which means in my case that I don't have any such debilitating rituals. What I do have, however, are exceptionally persistent intrusive thoughts of an extremely violent nature. I've had countless occasions where I struggle for literal hours or days with horrifyingly violent thoughts towards those around me. 

Would I ever act on such violent thoughts? Of course not. Do I know for a fact they're irrational? Absolutely. Do I do everything in my power NOT to think or dwell on them? Definitely. Do such struggles ever actually drive away such thoughts? Almost never. Most people don't know about this side of OCD, and quite frankly, I'm not sure many people will care even after discovering it.

I hope this post at least causes some people to pause and think about their "advice" to people with depression, or to not deliver a "joke" that may hurt the feelings of those around them. Honestly, just treat mental illnesses the same as physical illnesses; they're just as real, just as harmful, and require just as much loving support from the family and friends of those who suffer from them.