Photography Observations - January

One of my goals this year is to improve my photography skills. The way I made that quantifiable was to post monthly about what I'm learning and capturing.

While I do intend to branch out, naturally I expect to post a lot of photos featuring my children. They are my favorite subjects, after all!

Let us begin with some photos I have featured before:

There are many similarities between these two photos, which were taken within moments of each other. The big, open-mouthed smile is my favorite feature in both, and in fact I like Xander's smile more in the top one. However, in the first photo, Xander is centered, directly facing the camera, while the second better obeys the rule of thirds. The angle of his body is also a bit more aesthetically pleasing. (But I still like both!)

Next: Attention to detail.

I was capturing images of tummy time with Xander. I love his expression in the top photo, which was the first I took. But then I realized that you couldn't read his bib! And it's so cute! So I smoothed it out for the next few photos. I was so proud of myself for noticing this detail. Then after Xander told me--very loudly--that he was done with tummy time, I looked back through the photos, and realized that the backdrop is a cluttered mess: baby gate, playmat, burp cloth, carseat. Next time, I will declutter first!

Exposure and lighting are a constant experiment for me. Firstly, most of the photos I take are indoors right now, because it's been cold. Secondly, most of the photos I take are of my children, and in Joel's case, he never stays still for long!

These two photos were taken within moments of each other, in my bedroom. In the first, Joel is facing the window, and I had a higher shutter speed (I often do when trying to capture the wiggly monster). In the second, he is to the side of the window (getting some of the room light as well as the window light) with a lower shutter speed. I keep practicing!

I've also been working on my editing skills. I don't edit most of my photos, and the edits that I do use are typically pretty minor. But it's a valuable skill, and so I've been practicing. The photo above I am particularly proud of. In the original (see below) the kicking targets were blurry. They were blurry in every kicking shot we did, so I decided to see what I could do about that.

Original

 What I did was take the targets from a still photo:

 Crop the targets:

And then blended them into the kicking shot. You can tell, if you're looking for it closely. But I felt pretty proud of how it turned out.


So, not anything super profound. Hopefully I'll be able to get some more focused practice in February. But for now--more cute pictures I took this month of my boys. Ciao!

Please don't hate me for posting this, when you're older. But goodness, that laugh!

#SAHM

I am embarking on a journey. I don't quite know where it will lead, but I am hoping that it will be helpful and healing.

A few months ago, my friend Tierra started posting a photo a day with the hashtag #sahm. (Stay at home mom.) For the first little while, I found her photos fun; another cute picture of her son, or whatever. But about a month in, she posted this explanation of why she was posting everyday. It helped her fight with depression.

The photos took on a lot more meaning. I really love seeing them. They're not always happy. But they are honest. I love her candid descriptions of how some days just suck. Her posts have been really resonating with me.



Depression bears a lot of stigma. Perhaps less than it once did. And people so often don't know how to respond, even when they are trying to be helpful. It's been hard for me to talk about with anyone.

This past summer, I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. To be honest, I think I have been dealing with depression since I was a teenager, but pregnancy and postpartum make it much, much worse.

Up until we moved to North Carolina, I worked part time, teaching taekwondo. On bad days, it was hard to summon the energy and enthusiasm to teach class. But really, I think taekwondo helped stave off the depression somewhat. A) physical exercise B) social outlet + adult conversation C) time away from my baby.

Since we moved, I have become a full-time SAHM. And I have never felt so isolated in my life. James is wonderful, but he is only one person. He cannot fill the void of my family, friends, students and peers. And he is in law school. It's a bit time-intensive. (Plus, we don't have our wonderful parents and siblings close by, willing to babysit. I can count on my hand how many baby-free dates we've had since moving.)

This leaves me alone with our little children much of the time. Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children dearly, and I am grateful that I am able to be at home with them. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Most days, I feel good and enjoy my babies. But some days, I feel lonely/sad/angry/anxious/exhausted/guilty/overwhelmed/self-loathing/impatient/worried/weepy/indifferent/destructive/panicked/numb/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated/isolated.

Facebook is my primary means of staying connected with friends. But Facebook has been hard for me lately. I believe in being genuine. I never post happy things if I'm not happy. Sometimes that means I simply don't post for long stretches of time (for me) because I can't find anything happy to post about. But that's not really being genuine either--and that's how I have arrived here.

I need to communicate my reality. So, I intend to post every day with the hashtag #sahm. These posts may or may not be "happy" but they will be real. I don't know yet if it will help me. But I feel strongly that communicating is better than staying silent. If my posts bother you, feel free to unfollow me.

Please, above all else, please do not post suggestions on how better to manage my depression. Recommending "solutions" is hurtful, and sometimes offensive. I am working with my care providers to manage my disorder. From you, I simply need understanding and encouragement. For that, I would be very grateful.

3 months

I had so much fun taking pictures of Xander this morning. I had real trouble picking one for his Facebook album. He has such a little personality! And he's so strong--he's got pretty good head control, and he's rolled over once! That was a couple of days ago, and he hasn't done it since, but still! I'm so proud of him.

Bring on 2016

We are a little late this year with our traditional New Year's poster. What with our trip to Utah and then getting settled back in afterward, we waited until tonight's FHE to assemble our goals for the year.

Each year, James and I set individual goals, and we set goals for our family. We require our goals to be quantifiable--they have to be things that we can check off. We also try to create a mixture of mental, physical, and spiritual goals.

First, let's review the past year. Unfortunately, I threw out our 2015 poster before remembering to photograph it with the accomplishments checked off. But here's the photo from the beginning of our year:

We were about halfsies on our goals this year. James started law school, earned his 3rd Dan, and read 6 out of his intended 10 new books. As a family, we moved to Durham and went on a family camping trip. James and I went on a date every week, and met our temple attendance goal. As for me, I earned my 4th Dan, read 5 new books (+started a sixth) and learned to make sushi (simple rolls, at least). Plus had a baby!!

This year, I feel like our goals (mine, at least) are a bit more modest, and at the same time, a bit more realistic. I present our 2016 poster:

For James:

• Obtain a 1L job (aka legal internship this summer)
• Obtain a 2L job (for next summer)
• Read 10 new books
• Change oil in car
• Read the Book of Mormon
• Join a legal journal

For Valerie:

• Referee at the NC State Championships
• Read 5 new books
• Create a photography portfolio, utilizing monthly blog posts
• Read the Book of Mormon
• Teach Joel the alphabet
• Win NaNoWriMo (aka write 50,000 words)

For our family:

• Family camping trip
• Washington D.C. trip 
• Donate 4 handmade blankets to a charity
• Take Joel & Xander to the zoo
• Go on a date every week
•  Attend the temple at least thrice

It promises to be an interesting year! Candidly, the main focus of my life right now is my children. Mothering is a full-time job for me, so anything else I get done on the side is a major accomplishment. Still, I look forward to 2016. I can't wait to see what it offers us.