I was browsing Facebook today when I came across the following post and resultant comment, and I quote:
Antidepressants are about as effective as a placebo and therapy is just as effective as talking to a friend. hahaha. amazing. The problem with that is a lot of depressed people don't have friends to talk to and need to be re-socialized in order to help with their depression.
You have GOT to be kidding me. Here we are in the year 2015, and people still act as though depression is something that doesn't often need life-saving medication, that it can be fixed simply by socializing with people, that you just need to cheer up and stop being so depressed, and if you don't cheer up, it's your own darn fault you're depressed! I would wager everything I own that this mindset, when inflicted on people suffering from depression, causes more suicide and self-destruction than any of us would like to see.
See, here's the thing: Depression in the medical sense does NOT refer to "the blues" or "feeling down." No, the mental illness named depression is largely rooted in the brain's biology. I must admit that I don't have the background necessary to understand exactly what goes into it all, but then again, neither does any one of the people who spew absolute garbage on the subject, so at least I'm not alone. Suffice it to say that there is a strong scientific consensus that clinical depression is largely due to chemical balances in the brain that are entirely out of any individual's control. Telling someone with depression to just "go do something fun" or "think about cheerful things" is effectively equivalent to telling a woman with terminal breast cancer that she can wish her cancer away by being optimistic, with the implication being that she basically deserves to die of the cancer if she doesn't fix it all by herself.
I know people very close to me that suffer/suffered from both clinical depression and postpartum depression, yet another form of depression that is very much dependent on chemicals outside our control. I know for a fact that at least one of these people did not ever take antidepressants because others convinced them that they didn't need pills, they just needed to have a better attitude about things. I honestly feel sometimes that people who say or think such things should get struck with such an illness so I can tell them to "just be happy."
On a somewhat similar note, I want to talk about plain old insensitivity regarding mental illnesses. Most of you don't know this, but I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) shortly after returning home from my mission. It is something that I have severely struggled with for some time, and it just drives me mad that people joke and giggle about how "OCD" they are and how quirky "OCD" people are. For people that wash their hands so frequently that they turn bloody, for people that are always late because they MUST quadruple check every door, for people that are driven to panic if they don't touch things in a specific order, I'm fairly certain that such jokes are about as funny as AIDS jokes are to those dying of complications from said disease. They certainly aren't funny to me; I suffer from the obsessive side of OCD and not the compulsive, which means in my case that I don't have any such debilitating rituals. What I do have, however, are exceptionally persistent intrusive thoughts of an extremely violent nature. I've had countless occasions where I struggle for literal hours or days with horrifyingly violent thoughts towards those around me.
Would I ever act on such violent thoughts? Of course not. Do I know for a fact they're irrational? Absolutely. Do I do everything in my power NOT to think or dwell on them? Definitely. Do such struggles ever actually drive away such thoughts? Almost never. Most people don't know about this side of OCD, and quite frankly, I'm not sure many people will care even after discovering it.
I hope this post at least causes some people to pause and think about their "advice" to people with depression, or to not deliver a "joke" that may hurt the feelings of those around them. Honestly, just treat mental illnesses the same as physical illnesses; they're just as real, just as harmful, and require just as much loving support from the family and friends of those who suffer from them.
Joel is an active little boy. Unless he is unconscious, he is constantly exploring, babbling, and getting into things. While this sometimes can be exhausting, for the most part, it is a trait that I adore.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've had what I would call an adventure in motherhood. Another way to phrase it might be "experiences you didn't know you'd be having until you became a parent."
Last week, James and I went to Oteo in Lindon for dinner. It's a little family-owned Mexican place right next to our taekwondo studio; we've eaten there once before, and both times, I've been impressed by the unique qualities of their food. It's a pretty small place, probably a dozen or so tables all told, and fairly quiet.
James and I got seated, and Joel settled in a high chair. Needless to say, Joel is not really a quiet diner. He babbles, and his current form of asking for more food is to shriek. (We sometimes refer to him as "Veloci-baby.") He enjoyed sharing my empanada, even the peppers!
Still, I could not help but notice the looks garnered by our vocal baby. There was a woman seated behind James (so, directly in front of me) that craned her neck around a couple of times to glance at Joel. Kitty-corner from them, there was a young couple that outright stared at Joel multiple times, and "whispered" behind their hands afterward--loud enough that I could catch at least a few of the words, including "baby" and something that sounded a lot like "I would never."
Yesterday, James and I went out to lunch for Valentine's Day to our new favorite sushi place, Sakura in Orem. I have been sick, so this was about all we did to celebrate Valentine's Day. Again, we had Joel. (Actually, I'd been looking forward to letting him try sushi...he wasn't a fan!) And, of course, he was his usual self. While the reaction wasn't as bad as when we were at Oteo's, he still got a number of sideways glances and clearly some comments from the couple across the way.
I'll admit, I was embarrassed, both times. I would hate to sour anyone else's dining experiences, especially if, as it was for us yesterday, they were celebrating a special occasion.
That said, I was also a little upset to be at the brunt end of such rudeness, especially at Oteo. James and I love to eat out; it's one of our favorite ways to spend date night. We love to enjoy different foods, different atmospheres, and each other's company and conversation. Even if we ate out less (and we don't eat out an unreasonable amount as it is), I still don't think it would be reasonable to ask us to leave our son behind every time. We simply cannot afford, in either money or favors, to get a babysitter every time we want to go out.
If your suggestion would be, "just don't eat out," I have one thing to say to you: Get. Real. I am not going to spend the next X years stuck inside because I am a parent. Besides, adults can be just as obnoxious as kids. Have you ever met my brother? He's louder than any 10 babies. (Love you, Kyle!)
Babies are not like adults. They don't have social skills yet. Joel doesn't understand that he shouldn't shriek or throw food on the ground, much as we try to prevent him doing so. I may know that he is annoying you, but that won't stop him from doing his thing. Giving me the stinkeye and whispering behind your hand about how you would never be "that parent" does nothing except sour the experience for me AND for you.
So, for future reference, if you're at a restaurant and there's a shrieking baby, how about instead of acting annoyed, you instead give those parents an encouraging smile, letting them know, "you got this!" You'll probably feel better about the experience than you would otherwise, and I know that I, as the parent, certainly would as well.
Warning: This is going to be a long post. It's probably waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much information for casual readers. Feel free to skim. This is mostly for me, personally, to record these memories.
At my studio, we begin preparing for Black Belt Testing six months in advance. We have an additional class each week (Black Belt Prep) and spend another hour or so each week preparing our self defense demonstrations. Here was an example of a normal weekly schedule for me during this period:
This 6-month period is spent mainly in reviewing and passing off curriculum. Our black belt test is cumulative, meaning that we are tested on everything we have learned from white belt to black (as opposed to just one rank's worth of curriculum, which is how our color belt tests are set up). And of course, the techniques must be performed at a black belt level. Each student has a card listing all the curriculum they are responsible for passing off. You can tell that by the end of testing, these cards are well-loved! (Or perhaps much-despised...)
I'll admit, there are some parts of the curriculum that are NOT my favorite. I love poomsae, and I love self defense. But we also have a tricks & flips requirement, and I tell you what, learning how to do handstands and roundoffs felt a lot like banging my head against the wall. But I finally got everything passed off. Halle-freaking-lujah.
Black Belt Testing is divided into two "phases" which take place two weeks apart. Phase 1 was on Saturday January 17th, and took about 8 hours to complete. It is closed, meaning only the candidates and the board are present, no parents or any kind of audience. It brings a different kind of intensity and focus.
We were tested on EVERYTHING. Phase 1 included all the curriculum on our card except for board breaking and our self defense demonstrations. The schedule was something like this:
All in all, I felt like I performed well at Phase 1. My kicking felt pretty good, which was a relief. I suffered a groin tear a few months ago, and a lot of my kicks have been pretty sketchy for me up until the last few weeks, when I've finally healed up. Tricks and flips were my weakest performance. I did not pass off my headstand or my handstand, and had to pass them off again the following week. (Not a huge surprise.) Weapons went well, although I got bonked on the head with an escrima stick, which was a little disconcerting.
Poomsae is one of my favorite parts of taekwondo, and I was really looking forward to this performance. I did quite well on my earlier forms, but when I got to my rank form, I started feeling a little dizzy, probably due to a combination of the hit to the head and not sleeping well the night before. (Nerves!) I was sad that my Pyongwon was not super great, as I had been working very hard on it.
I made up for it a bit later with my open form. (Aka freestyle poomsae.) I've been working on this form for over a year now. Is it perfect? No. But it feels pretty awesome to perform. My goal is to start developing some higher level kicks and maybe some (gah) flips and get this form to a point where I could compete with it.
The rest of the day was good. The specialty stuff went well, self defense went well, and I endured the endurance well. :) We have six specific endurance requirements (see below). We were timed/counted at the beginning of our six-month cycle. Then
about halfway through we did it again, and had to beat our initial score. At
Phase 1, we had to beat our scores again. I beat everything except the
banana, which is usually my best one. (I was pretty tired by that
point.) But I beat it in class the week after. My worst one is always the mile run, but I beat my previous time, and I was happy with that. My final scores/times were as follows:
Roundhouse kicks in 1 minute - 142 Leg lifts in 1 minute - 34
Knuckle pushups without stop - 30 Banana - 1:52 Buddha - 1:40
Mile Run - 11:26
On to Phase 2! So, while Phase 1 is an intensive exam, Phase 2 is designed more as a performance, a show. It is open to the public. Our master instructors select the best things that happened at Phase 1 to display again for everyone at Phase 2, and then we are tested on board breaking and our self defense demonstrations.
The schedule yesterday was something like this:
12:00pm - Demo Team rehearsal
1:00pm - Black Belt Candidates rehearsal
2:30pm - Doors Open (candidates are cloistered in the back)
3:00-6:00pm - Phase 2
6:30-8:30pm Awards Banquet
The rehearsals went very well, and we were feeling solid by the time everything was ready to get started. I was nervous, but mostly just excited. I love testing. It has such an incredible energy!
Candidates ready to get started!
The program for Phase 2 was as follows:
Master Sorenson's Welcome
"Beyond Force" Demonstration Team
Introduction of the visiting Master Instructors
Introduction of the Black Belt Candidates
Breakfalls display
Self defense display by the 2nd/3rd/4th degree candidates
Kicking display by the 1st degree candidates
Weapons display by the 2nd/3rd/4th degree candidates
Group Forms
Olympic Sparring specialty performance
Free Sparring
Landon's open form
Impromptu forms by 3rd/4th degree candidates
Self defense team demonstrations
Superhuman (Cameron, Claire, Ashleigh, Anna)
Beyond Fighters (Lexi, Ty, Kiril, Becca)
LandRiJaTon (Landon, Ricardo, James, Peyton)
Good Guys, Inc. (me, James, Mara, Molly)
INTERMISSION
Kicking display
My open form
Board Breaking
So...right after the Demonstration Team, the lights went out. We lost power in about half the building. There was light in one corner of the floor, and we still had the sound system, thank goodness. But it made for an interesting twist!
My dad video taped the event, however, I found out at intermission that our SD card was, bizarrely, completely full. I sent Dad to the store to purchase a new one for us, and he was quick, but we did miss some in the recording, including the last pieces of my self defense demo, the kicking display, and my open form. I'm trying to see if anyone else has recordings of these pieces. At any rate, I've uploaded the videos I have to YouTube, which you can view here.
As I mentioned, a lot of the things performed were repeats from Phase 1, but organized in a presentable fashion. We also had group forms, which are kind of like team poomsae, but we're allowed to change directions, order, and timing, just for fun. I really enjoyed my group form (Shipjin) with James and Mara. James and I also were called upon for impromptu forms, selected for us on the spot. My form was Taebeck, which I'll admit, is not my favorite. I was very proud of James's Keumgang, which was excellent.
Our self defense demo was AWESOME. I love self defense. It makes me feel so...powerful. I loved my self defense group this year. The last time I tested, I was with a group of teenagers. It was fun, because they had a lot of energy and great ideas. But it was nice this time to work with peers, rather than students. Especially my sweet husband, who put up with my punching, kicking, and throwing him all the time. :)
And then there was board breaking. At our studio, we use a grading system developed by our own Master Page for breaking. Candidates are divided by weight class, and each weight class has a designated "average board size" which is the size you should be able to break with an "average" break. Then, each and every technique used for breaking has been assigned a point value based on their difficulty. "Average" breaks are worth .5, and they go up and down from there. Some techniques are allowed a downgrade in board size without penalty, because of the part of the body used (ie a spear hand) or the increased difficulty of the technique. There are also independent variables that increase the value of a given break, such as blindfolding, decreased support (like holding with one hand, with fingertips, self holding, or tossing in the air), successive techniques (ie multiple kicks without setting the foot down in between), and for the 2nd and 3rd degree candidates, impromptu breaking. These points are all calculated to reach the candidate's "potential score", then in addition, there are 2 possible points determined by the judges for Presentation, based on speed, accuracy of technique, flow, intensity, and entertainment value. Penalties are given for multiple attempts, changing techniques, partial breaks (in multi-board techniques) or failing to break at all.
The requirement for 1st Degree candidates is to prepare a routine of 10 breaks. The 2nd Degree candidates are required to plan 5 breaks, and then are presented with 5 impromptu breaks at testing. 3rd Degree candidates (aka my husband) are given 10 impromptu breaks. And 4th Degree candidates such as myself are allowed to prepare 10 breaks, but each technique must be at least a .65 difficulty (which are fairly difficult breaks).
I went to great lengths leading up to testing in order to drop a weight class. I made it by the skin of my teeth (so proud!) I was pretty tickled, because dropping a weight class bumped my potential score up to 10.45, which is the highest potential score we've ever had.
That said, I will tell you straight up, that I was terribly disappointed in my breaking. I had two jump back kicks, one blindfolded on three 12x12's, and one on a freestanding cinderbrick. I have done both of these breaks successfully in the last six months. Jump back kicks are normally my best kick. And that made it all the more frustrating that I was unable to complete either.
I still got the highest presentation score of the test. And I was pleased with the rest of my breaks. It just was such a disappointing note to end on. I do have to complete the breaks before Master Sorenson will submit my Kukkiwon certification, so I'll be attempting them again in the next week or two, hopefully with much greater success.
Anyway, that wrapped up testing. Half an hour or so later, we moved over for the Awards Banquet. This is probably my favorite part of our black belt testings. I know not everyone does such a to-do, but I love it.
We started with thank you speeches. Each candidate is given a few minutes to express gratitude to anyone who has helped them along the journey to Black Belt. I was up first. I only got a little way through before the tears started. I have been so incredibly blessed by the people in my life, who help me and cheer me on. And I'll tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than being called up by my students and receiving their thanks after black belt testing. The notes they write mean so, so much to me, and I hang on to them forever.
Next, Master Sorenson briefly recognized each of the 2nd/3rd/4th degree candidates for their Specialties. At our school, after earning your 1st degree, you get to choose for yourself a Specialty. With special permission, you can do more than one. Specialties are an additional class each week, with curriculum and tournament requirements specific to each one. We get small colored stripes on the side of our belts to signify which specialties we have completed. This testing, I specialized in Sport Poomsae, Demo Team, and Breaking.
Then they presented the prizes for the 100 Challenge, which is an optional part of testing that consists of doing all of your required poomsae 100 times, with an instructor's evaluation after each set of 25. It's immensely time consuming, but it makes a HUGE difference in the quality of the poomsae. The prize for the first-time completion is a medallion; the second time one completes it, a keychain. (No one has completed it more than twice as of yet, as we only instituted it a few years ago.) James and I both completed the 100 Challenge this year, James for the first time, I for the second.
And then it was time for the awards. This is the part that I anticipated the most. Every year at Black Belt Testing, the masters give out swords to the Best Testers, in the categories of specialty performance, board breaking, kicking, poomsae, and self defense demonstration. If called for, they also occasionally will give out a best tester overall (which has only been awarded twice before). Lastly, the most prized award (and the largest sword) is our Martial Arts Spirit Award, which is voted on by the candidates themselves, for the one in the group who has shown the truest spirit of a martial artist, who has been kind, helpful, and inspiring to the others in the group, and who has shown indomitable spirit through the challenges of testing.
The Specialty Performance sword was awarded to Lexi Wallace, for her specialties in Sparring and Demo Team. Lexi has fought at Nationals the last couple of years and worked very, very hard. James might have been a tiny bit disappointed not to win this one, but we were both very happy for Lexi.
Best Board Breaking was already known to be going to Landon Jenkins, who earned the highest score during breaking. He did an awesome job, especially considering half his breaks were impromptu. Well deserved.
Best Kicking went to Rebecca Linford, one of my students, and I was not at all surprised. I had predicted beforehand to James that Becca would win this one. She has stellar technique and intensity. (And she works incredibly hard.) I was thrilled for her.
Best Poomsae was given to my James. I will admit to you that my heart dropped when they announced it. I had my heart set on this award. That said, I was also very glad for James, who has worked incredibly hard on his poomsae and who did remarkably well at testing.
James, Molly, Mara and I won the Best Self Defense Demonstration award. We were delighted! I have won this award every time I have tested. :)
And then Master Sorenson announced that they were giving a Best Tester Overall award, which they presented to me. I was rather surprised, and immensely gratified.
Lastly, the Martial Arts Spirit Award. Ma'am talked at length about how this award is the most special to her, because it truly represents the things that she values most about our discipline. And to my great honor, I was presented with this award as well. I cannot tell you how deeply moved I was. The fact that my fellow candidates had selected me for this particular recognition brought me to tears. I feel emotional right now, just thinking about it again. It means the world to me.
And finally, we had our Rank Advancement Ceremony. The new 1st degrees received their black belts - yay! - along with certificates, a graduation ring, and other paraphernalia. I absolutely love watching their faces when they get that belt--the last belt they'll ever wear (if they don't outgrow it/change their name like I did when I got married/etc). The rest of us actually get our belts taken away at the end of the night, because Master Sorenson just adds a new stripe to our current belt. The 2nd degrees, who already have a ring, are given a tanto and a small gift relating to their specialty. 3rd degrees, who are considered now on their way toward Mastery, are given a set of books suited for instructors. And new Master Instructors receive gifts on a case-by-case basis--in my case, a beautiful Sport Poomsae competition uniform, which I was tickled to receive.
We finished the night with a bow and a group hug. I felt like I was glowing with affection and pride for my group of BLACK BELTS. It was an absolutely incredible day, the culmination of months--years, really--of dedication and perseverance, with so much reward at the end of all.
