What not to say to the 9-months-pregnant-lady

Baby J is due on Tuesday, and my sanity is stretched to its limits! In an effort to help you help me, here is a list of questions that might be better avoided than asked if you and I happen to chat before the baby comes. I have indeed been asked each of these questions sometime in the past month, and the responses that follow are often what goes through my mind when it happens. Fortunately, most of those thoughts have stayed in my head...so far.


"You look like you're about to pop!"

Yes, I'm humongous. Thanks for pointing it out. You're only the fifth person so far this morning. My self esteem really needed that reminder. I feel like I should be developing a complex, except that I'm just too exhausted to get around to it.

"Are you sure you're not having twins?"

See above.

"Looks like it's going to be a big baby!"

See above.

(On that note...in black belt class this week, my master instructor had everybody guess how much they think our baby will weigh. I have to account for the fact that most of my classmates were teenage or prepubescent boys, but still. Not a fun game for me. Apparently they all think the baby is going to be humongous. Which leads me back to my statement above.)

"Sleep while you can!"

The worst is when this comes from experienced mothers. Have you forgotten what it felt like to be nine months pregnant? Sleeping is a joke. I'm up every hour to pee, my back hurts, my hips hurt, I can't breathe because my nose has been stuffed up for the last six months, I get too hot, I get too cold, my limbs get pins and needles, the baby kicks me so hard that he scares the crap out of me, and sometimes I just can't sleep for no apparent reason at all. I understand that living with a newborn has it challenges. But I'm more than ready to swap pregnancy-induced insomnia for the new baby variety.

"You're giving birth where/how/without x?!"

I'll be sharing more of my thoughts on birth after Baby J's arrival. Needless to say, though, I've had countless birth stories shared with me at this point, and my determination is that people make of their births what they will. Someone's C-section might be the perfect experience, while to someone else it sounds like a nightmare. Etc. My question is--you think by now I haven't done my research and made these decisions already?

"Your recovery is going to be so ________!" 

I've been getting this a lot lately, and it's driving me batty. How on earth do you know what my recovery is going to be like? There are so many factors involved! Physically, emotionally, not to mention the x-factor of a brand new baby, whom neither you nor I know anything about. Maybe my physical recovery will be quick (which I've had predicted quite a bit) but what if I struggle with postpartum depression? That's not something I'm likely to share with many people, but if I'm struggling mentally, it's definitely going to affect what I'm up to, physically. Please don't set up expectations for me that I may or may not be able to meet.

"Are you in labor yet?"

Seriously, the last couple of days I've been asked this at least a dozen times, and each time I hear it, I get closer to punching someone in the face. There is nothing that I want more right now than to have my baby. Thanks for reminding me that nothing's happening yet.

"Have you popped that baby out yet?"

Similar in effect to the previous question, but I'd add one in return--"If I had already had the baby, do you really think I wouldn't have told you already?" (This is for people who ask me over the phone. For someone who sees me in person, I want to say, "Yep, I left him at home and stuffed a basketball under my shirt so I could still look super pregnant, just for fun!" Maybe with a manic grin on my face.) I assure you, when Baby J comes, the world will know!