Kieran's Home Birth

My estimated due date was December 2nd. I fully expected Kieran to come late, and did everything I could to prepare myself emotionally for that eventuality. After all, Joel was 7 days late and Xander was 12 days late. I knew it was practically inevitable. But despite all my mental prep, it was still really rough, especially the last five days or so.

On Thursday morning (41 weeks + 4 days), my midwife Karla had me come for a non-stress test. At this stage of lateness, they start to get concerned about the placenta shutting down. The NST was okay, but not great. Kieran's heart didn't have any decelerations, which was good, but he didn't have great accelerations in response to stimuli, which is less good. At that point, Karla gave me a concoction of castor oil, juice, almond butter, and lemon verbena.

I had taken castor oil with Joel, and I had been pretty reluctant to try it again. Online forums are rife with warnings about the risks. But there comes a desperation, and with my midwife's encouragement, I went ahead and gave it a try.

About three hours later, I began having contractions. They were not super intense, but they quickly grew regular and stayed that way through the afternoon. I began to be hopeful! We had dinner, went to the store, inflated the birth tub, and around 8pm took the boys over to my parents for the night.

However, my contractions were not progressing. Karla checked me that evening, and I was only dilated to 3cm. It was devastating to have made so little progress after contracting all day. The problem was that Kieran was still posterior and his head wasn't engaged in my cervix. Karla gave me some exercises to do that would encourage him to turn around. I worked at them through the evening and into the small hours of the morning, and my contractions did grow more intense...until I fell asleep. When I woke up early the next morning, labor had stopped entirely. It was sooooo discouraging!

So now Friday the 14th had arrived (41+5), and I felt like we were back at square one. James and I went to Karla's house at 10am. She checked me again, and to our surprise and relief she announced that I was dilated to 7cm and 70% effaced! But Kieran's head still wasn't engaged. Karla gave me another dose of the castor oil concoction and sent me home to work on moving this baby around.

At about 11am, contractions started up again, as intense as they'd left off the night before. I moved between exercises, working to get Kieran to turn around. My mom brought the kids home for a bit, so we hung out before putting Xander down for a nap, then put a show on for Joel. The intensity of my contractions increased, but the interval stayed irregular, between 6-9 minutes apart.

Just before 2pm, Karla texted to see how things were going. When I told her what was happening, she asked if I was ready for her to come over. I told her I wanted to wait until my contractions were closer together. She warned me not to wait too long.

Then all the sudden, my contractions jumped to 3 minutes apart. After a few of these in a row, I decided that maybe things were moving faster than I'd thought. I texted Karla at 2:20pm and told her yes, I did want her to come over. She headed our way. I called my mom and asked her to come pick up the boys. So in the midst of stronger and stronger contractions, James and I packed up the boys and their overnight things. My mom and Karla arrived within minutes of each other. We said goodbye to the children, and my mom left with them around 2:45pm. It was a bit chaotic there for a bit!

Once they were gone, Karla checked me. I was dilated to 9cm and pretty close to complete. Ahh! So I called the photographer. I think I gave her a mini heart attack when I told her I was already at 9cm. Fortunately she made it over in time! (Unlike Karla's assistant, who arrived about 5 minutes after Kieran did.)

I labored for a little while longer before I got in the birth pool.We had the tub set up next to our Christmas tree. With the lights down low and "Ever After" playing quietly in the background, it felt like it was going to be peaceful and amazing.

But I only got to labor in the tub for about 20 minutes. Karla was monitoring Kieran's heart during contractions, and she grew concerned about the drop in his heart rate. Ultimately she asked me to get out of the tub so that she could control things better. Getting out of the tub was not very fun. We moved me to the floor; I ended up in this weird half-squat position. After another contraction, Karla told me that we needed to get the baby out, now.

There's nothing like the urgency of a midwife in a moment like that. On my next contraction, she told me to push and to keep pushing. In the background, I could hear Karla asking James to call 911, in case we needed help getting the baby to breathe. Now feeling frightened for Kieran, I kept pushing, certain that I was tearing as I did so.

On my third big push, his head was delivered. His body followed easily, and then to all our relief, he let out an enormous cry! James was able to hang up with 911 as we welcomed little Kieran into the world at 3:55pm.

I remember feeling immediately euphoric after the birth of my other children. Unfortunately it took a few minutes to get to that point this time--I'm pretty sure that Kieran bruised my tailbone with his little posterior self. It made it really hard to get into a comfortable position so that I could hold him. Ultimately James and Karla cobbled together some cushions for me to recline on there on the floor so that I could finally hold my baby. (Part of the adventure of birthing at home!) What a joy he was to hold at last!!

Not too long after birth, I called my parents and had them bring the boys over to meet their new little brother. They were all pretty delighted.

After my parents took the boys back to their house for the night, there was much settling in. Karla got Kieran's measurements: 8lbs 2oz, 20 inches long, and 14.5 head circumference. (And no tearing for me, huzzah!)

Karla finished examining Kieran and filling out paperwork. She and her assistant got all the birth supplies cleaned up, got me cleaned up, made sure Kieran was nursing well, started the laundry, then departed, leaving James and I at home with our snuggly little boy.

All in all it was a wonderful birth experience. Giving birth at home is awesome. It's empowering, it's peaceful, and it's sooooo nice to be able to sleep in my own bed afterward. James is the best partner; he was there every step of the way encouraging, comforting, and supporting me. This was our third delivery together, and he knew just what to do - applying pressure to my back, setting up things I would need, and caring for me and the baby afterward. I am more in love with James than ever, and we are both so in love with our sweet Kieran.

I am pro-life.

It's taken me some time to get to this point, to where I feel like I have to speak up, like I need to make my position clear. It's been far too easy for me to stay quiet, keep my mouth shut, and do all I could to avoid not only contention, but even discussion concerning this matter.

I don't feel like I have that luxury anymore. I don't have the luxury of being a coward, of being someone who's so scared of confrontation that I won't even express one of my deepest-held beliefs. Not when I feel like the rights of millions of vulnerable people are at stake, not when I could perhaps do something about it.

I am pro-life. And therefore, I am anti-abortion.

It's been difficult for me to say this in a public forum because I was afraid of what people will think of me. I was afraid I'd be branded a religious nut, an extremist, a sexist. I was afraid that people would think less of me, think that I hate women, that I'm a bigot. I was afraid that people who are pro-choice would think I hated them or thought less of them for their beliefs, actions, and political positions on abortion.

In short, I was afraid of what others would think. Frankly, I still am. Yet, all that I've written about so far has been me. About my fears. My relationships. My cowardice. In sum, my refusal to step forward and say something was wholly and utterly selfish.

This is not about me; this is about the millions of unborn children that die every single year as a direct result of abortion. I don't know the current death count; the precise number isn't relevant. What is relevant is that these are children. These are small, incredibly vulnerable human beings who have the same right to life that each of us enjoy and hold inviolable. Each and every abortion ends a human life and irrevocably violates each of these children's right to life. Once an abortion is completed, it can't be taken back. That life is gone forever.

Many do not view it this way; to them, these children aren't actually children. They aren't human. They're just "fetuses"; they're bundles of cells that deserve no consideration as to their rights, because they have none. They are, at most, "potential" humans, who will gain human rights once they've exited their mothers' bodies. This concept of a non-human fetus is contrasted with the rights of women to bodily autonomy, a right that most pro-choice people hold as absolutely essential to equality. One person I've personally spoken with told me that they believed fetuses were human, but that the mothers' rights outweighed the children's right to life. I do not believe this to be a widely-held view, but it does exist to some extent.

I don't believe this difference in worldviews can truly be reconciled. To me and others with these beliefs, it is self-evident that unborn children are human with the right to life. To many others, it is just as self-evident that unborn children are not human and have no such right. How can such diametrically opposed viewpoints be reconciled? It can't in this generation; perhaps the message we teach to the next generation about what it means to be human and what it means to be equal is the only way to ultimately find a consensus, albeit not in our lifetimes.

I recognize that this is a difference in worldviews, and I respect it. I respect every person's right to act according to their conscience, even when I disagree on a deeply fundamental level. I respect their right to lobby for and elect politicians that will further their views, just as I hope they will respect mine.

Some pro-choice people who hear a view that children have the right to life respond that if pro-life people really respect unborn children's rights so much, they'll support social programs for needy expectant mothers. This is another discussion entirely that I don't have room for here, but I recognize that it's a valid question that does deserve in-depth discussion.

Ultimately, I am pro-life. In my view, the unborn child's right to life outweighs the mother's right to bodily autonomy. I am opposed to abortion in at least the vast majority of cases. I will not shame those who believe otherwise. I will not hold tasteless and shocking signs, post hateful things on the internet, or picket outside abortion providers. I will not demand that expectant mothers allow me to adopt their unborn child. Most of all, I do not and will not think less of women that choose to abort their unborn children; the vast majority of women in that position probably felt they needed to do so and that they weren't harming a human. I find it unbelievable that anyone would deliberately do something they believed was wrong.

I will, however, consider the views of politicians on abortion before voting for them. I will lobby for and support laws that protect the right to life of unborn children, and I will oppose laws that infringe on that right. I will support views of the constitution that find a right to life for unborn children, and I will oppose views that find otherwise. I will, as necessary, support social programs to support expectant and newborn mothers, in addition to policies that facilitate and support adoption for those who choose to place their unborn children.

I suppose that, in a way, this is about me. I will fight for the right of unborn children to live.